


The Path Of Destiny

by TheBlueMistress



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBlueMistress/pseuds/TheBlueMistress
Summary: Merlin loses Arthur, and the world and his life are suddenly very different. How will he cope? Will there be anyone who can help him? And the most important question: will Arthur indeed return from Avalon? Read to find out! This story is a modern day AU for the biggest part, but it starts in the canon era.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first ever story about Merlin. I hope you guys will enjoy reading it as much as I liked writing it! Leave me a review to let me know what you thought about it, even if you hated it. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I might even reward it with home-baked cookies!
> 
> Disclaimer: Everything you recognise is not mine. I really wish it was, though.

**Chapter One  
  
**

_Hey! Hey! Hey!  
I don't like walking around this old and empty house.  
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear.  
  
_

Merlin rubbed his arms. He was utterly cold. It shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did; the leaves on the trees were already changing colour. Yet that was happening earlier than usual. Even Gaius had remarked that he had never known autumn to commence quite as early as it was doing this year.

To the young warlock, it all made perfect sense. The world was mourning the loss it had suffered five days prior. The loss of Arthur Pendragon, the Once and Future King. The moment Merlin had sent the boat towards the sacred isle of Avalon, the rain had started to fall. Mere minutes after that, the wind had begun to turn colder than was bearable.

Of course it was silly to believe Arthur's untimely demise was the cause for that; the weather was simply unpredictable. It didn't need a reason to change. But it had to be meaningful, there was no doubt about that.

Which was why Merlin was at the top of the highest tower the castle had, looking up at the nearly black skies. He needed to make sense of it all. If he didn't, he would go absolutely mad. He knew it, even if he didn't know why. He had learnt to trust his instincts long ago, though.

This time, however, the stars held no hidden pictures or words to guide him on his quest. Before, those small pinpricks of light had always succeeded in calming him. Or in inciting him into action when fear threatened to overtake him. Or in helping him to find the courage he so desperately needed.

"Why are you not helping tonight? Am I not worthy anymore? Have I fulfilled my destiny and is there no use to me anymore? What is it? Tell me!" he angrily implored, his fist colliding with the wall.

The pain burned, but he ignored it. That wasn't all too hard; the pain he'd been dragging around since Arthur had stopped breathing in his arms was stronger than any other kind he or anyone else could inflict on him.

"Very well then, stay silent. The first time I really need you to give me the strength to continue, you can turn your back on me. It's no less than I expected," he bristled, positively fuming.

Part of him had hoped to see the tell-tale twinkle that normally made him feel powerful, ready to face whatever magical or human demons that crossed his path. His demons were different now, but there was always hope. Another part had known before he came here that there would be no help here.

Tears began to burn in the corners of his eyes. He closed them, fighting to keep the salty drops from falling. He still needed to return to his rooms, and Gaius would undoubtedly either be waiting for him when he opened the door or would wake up as soon as he set foot inside. The older man was worried about him, he hadn't even tried to deny it when Merlin had pointed that out.

Merlin was worried about Gaius too. The court physician missed Arthur as well. He had known Arthur since the day he was born, he'd cured many of his ills and had tended to more than a few scrapes and battle wounds. Just like Merlin, he was trying to figure out how to continue his life without the King in it.

Now that he was certain the tears wouldn't fall and he was breathing at a normal pace again, Merlin descended the stairs. If he didn't do it now, he would end up sitting here all night. Gaius would have his hide for it, and he would no doubt come down with an ailment to the longs.

That had happened when he was barely six years old as well, and it had taken him nearly four weeks to get better. His magic wasn't meant to heal him; whatever injury or illness affected him, it would disappear no more quickly than it would in someone without magic. That was the one thing his mother had been sorry about.

The hallway at the bottom of the flight of stairs was empty, as Merlin had expected. Most of the servants were keeping to their chambers, as was Camelot's new Queen. Guinevere had taken the crown because Merlin had refused.

"I am a warlock. No more power should be invested in me, as I already have enough of it. Warlocks aren't meant to be Kings; they are meant to help those in need in other ways," he reiterated the words he had used to refuse the crown.

It had been no surprise the people had opted to have Gwen be their Queen if Merlin did not want to be their King. The three of them had always been close, and Arthur already prepared for her to take the throne should neither of them return. After all, with his knowledge of Merlin's powers he had thought the warlock would be of more help out on the battlefield.

He shook his head. If Arthur had still been alive, he would have taken the crown. Not because he wanted it, he simply wouldn't have been given a choice. Arthur had long ago told him he would not hide his love anymore, that they would rule the kingdom together. Those words had warmed Merlin's heart so much that he hadn't been able to stick to his reservations of marrying the King.

But Gwen had never been trained to be a Queen, which meant things weren't easy for her. Merlin was wracked with guilt over not being able to help her, but his heart wouldn't let him. Her decisions would never be Arthur's, and he would always see the differences in the way they dealt with whatever situation that demanded their attention. He didn't need that addition to his hurts.

The knights were among the most affected as well. Their fearless, courageous leader was no more. They needed to obey someone else's orders now. It didn't matter that it was a woman, for it was Gwen and they trusted her. It just wasn't the same as taking orders from someone who was right beside them in battle.

Gwaine was the one who had told Merlin that, that very morning to be precise. The other knights hadn't wanted to burden Merlin any further, seeing as they knew Arthur and the warlock had been each other's one true love. It had been a relief and a comfort of sorts, though, not to be treated as something breakable for the first time in five days. Even if it had been a struggle to comfort Gwaine in his grief.

At this moment, however, there was no one around to draw strength from. And he refused to lean on Gaius too much. The older man was not in such good health or as strong as he'd been in his younger years. He'd have to do this alone.

A few minutes later, Merlin discovered he had been very much mistaken in assuming no one else was awake. Gwaine was strolling around the castle as well, his hair standing at strange angles and the dark rims under his eyes very visible even in the light of the single torch that was burning.

Merlin was torn between slipping into a niche to hide until Gwaine was away and walking over to him. The first was because he wasn't sure Gwaine or he would have much fun during their talk. The second was because he knew Gwaine would listen to whatever he had to say, just like Merlin had done for the knight before.

After his heart had beat about five times, he realized he needed to put aside his worries. Gwaine was obviously finishing up his sweep of the castle; he would check every nook and cranny, and that meant he would find Merlin unless he used magic. And he had vowed to never use magic if it wasn't truly necessary.

So he approached the knight. He hadn't taken more than two steps in his direction when Gwaine noticed him. Even in his sleep deprived state his instincts were working perfectly. Merlin was glad to see it. In the coming weeks, there might be a few attacks on Camelot. Most nobles would think Camelot was ripe for the picking, that the knights wouldn't have pledged their faith to the new Queen yet or that the Queen wouldn't be able to deal with the attacks.

He pushed that thought to the back of his mind. He would show them he would not let Arthur's legacy be destroyed. Camelot was a place where everyone was accepted for who they were, no one was punished if they didn't deserve it and the people were cared for. All of that because Arthur had lived there, had been King, even if his reign had been too short to do everything he'd wanted to do.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here. I thought Gaius would have locked you in your room to put an end to these nightly strolls you've become so fond of. Then again, you'd be able to sneak out no matter what," Gwaine said, a watery smile pulling at his lips.

Merlin let the corners of his mouth twitch up slightly, almost mirroring Gwaine's actions. It was obvious they were feeling each other out, trying to find out how things would go from here. Merlin wasn't really in the mood for it, so he quickly spoke.

"He tried. I told him he couldn't do that, that I needed to keep busy so I wouldn't think about Arthur too much and that working in the castle would help with that. He accepted the reasoning," Merlin explained.

Gwaine shrugged in a meaningless sort of way. Then, he gestured for Merlin to follow him. Merlin did, glad it was one decision he didn't have to make himself. He was barely keeping himself from breaking, if he was left to his own devices now he would break more quickly than even he could expect. He was certain of that.

"Would you like to stay at my rooms for a while? Maybe talk some? Surely you cannot want to be alone in the state you're in? I mean, you look as if you've been trampled on by about ten horses," Gwaine said, the concern very audible in his voice.

In another life, the life with Arthur by his side, Merlin would have laughed at that joke. He would have grinned and his eyes would have sparkled. But he felt like there would never be a day like that again. He felt like he would never be happy again, like everything that mattered was gone.

"I'd like that. I don't want to go to my rooms until I'm looking at least slightly better. Are you sure you want to keep me around, though? I'm not good company right now," Merlin warned, a touch of darkness creeping into his voice.

Either Gwaine didn't hear it or he didn't care. Whichever it was, he simply continued walking in silence. The knight's eyes kept darting to all sides, trying to do his duty despite the sense of loss that was obviously still paralysing him.

Fortunately, Gwaine's room wasn't far from where they'd met. Merlin's legs were trembling, the word seemed to move unsteadily now and again. He knew that was because he hadn't eaten enough and had run himself ragged. But there were more important things to do than focus on the small discomforts. He had experienced much, much worse in his life.

He'd experienced burns, cold and more broken bones than anyone should have experienced at his age. And most of those hadn't come from protecting himself. He'd burnt his leg when he tried to protect a young boy from a heartless man who wanted to sell him as a slave. He'd broken his ribs when he jumped in front of Arthur to keep him from dying.

But five days ago, Merlin had failed. When Mordred advanced on Arthur, he had been too far away for his spell to have any effect on the younger man. And he hadn't been fast enough to reach Arthur before Mordred's sword had slid through the blond man.

It had earned Mordred the honour of falling victim to the most powerful spell Merlin had ever performed. The raven-haired youth had fallen dead to the ground before Merlin had even fully pronounced the word. And there had been no chance for Mordred to use a spell of his own.

Kilghara had looked more than moderately impressed, but he had told Merlin he'd always known his powers would keep growing. Merlin hadn't had the heart to ask him how he knew; he had understood Kilghara would not answer the question. That didn't mean he wouldn't ask him some day, though.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Gwaine unlocked his chamber door. He'd not been paying attention far longer than he'd realized. Gwaine was oblivious to it, though, so he quickly decided it didn't matter.

Gwaine dropped onto the bed straight away, yawning as he did. Merlin couldn't help but join in, as he always did when someone yawned. It was one of the things that had been 'cute' about him, as Arthur had put it.

"So, where do you want to start? With why you were out and about so late? Or where you'd been?" Gwaine suggested, not bothering to open his eyes. He radiated a sense of calm and acquiescence, which had a positive effect on Merlin.

Merlin sat down beside him, close enough to feel the heat of Gwaine's body. They'd always been good friends, which was the one reason Arthur had never been afraid when they hung out or hugged.

"I guess I wanted to find someone to help me ease some of my worries. I haven't been able to talk to anyone yet; the castle is so much more quiet than before. It's like everyone's afraid to come out. And more than that, it seems they're afraid to add to my pain and grief," Merlin admitted readily.

Gwaine did exactly what Merlin had expected: he reached out to take the warlock's hand in his. It didn't mean what it had meant between Arthur and Merlin; Gwaine was a woman's man. It was a gesture of support and friendship. And Merlin didn't want it to be anything more than that.

"You're lonely. I get that. I also understand why you're annoyed with people avoiding you. I'd be too. But deep down you understand why they're doing it, you've just said that. So what is it that's really dragged you here?" Gwaine pushed.

Merlin sighed; Gwaine was right. His loneliness was only part of the reason why he was there. It was time he admitted to that. Else, even the smallest chance of getting some help would be lost. He'd never find the courage to speak up again.

"I wanted to find someone who'd listen to me. Someone who wouldn't be afraid to let me talk about how much I miss Arthur. I'm done being strong, Gwaine. For once, I want to let someone catch me as I fall. It was all worth it when Arthur was the one I was protecting. He used to let me cry on his shoulder. Now, I need someone else to be there for me just for a little while," Merlin softly said.

Gwaine squeezed his hand lightly, and Merlin finally gave into the tears he'd kept at bay until then. The salty drops felt burning hot against his cold skin, almost like someone was dragging a knife along the skin.

Gwaine didn't wipe them away, and Merlin appreciated it. No one had seen him cry before, only Arthur. No one had dried his tears in a long time, apart from Arthur. It wouldn't feel right for anyone else to do it.

"What do you miss most about him? I know it probably sounds silly, but still…" Gwaine said, pushing himself up a little so he could look at Merlin. His gaze was penetrating, giving away the perceptive and intelligent nature of the knight more than anything else he could have done.

Merlin didn't have to think about the answer to that question. Some things about their relationship were difficult to explain, would seem odd to others if explained the wrong way. But this question didn't fit into that category.

"The way he used to try to keep me in bed in the mornings. Arthur wasn't a morning person, he grumbled every time. Except for when he succeeded in making me stay in bed with him a little longer. He said he never knew when we'd get the time to hug during the day and the mornings we spent cuddling made up for that. It was silly, but so sweet it never failed to make me smile," Merlin said, a small but genuine smile breaking through.

It made Gwaine grin too. Merlin knew he was well aware of how much of a pain in the arse Arthur used to be on patrols or hunting trips right after he'd been woken up. All of the knights had quickly learnt to stay clear of him until he'd had breakfast and the time to get into the rhythm of the day.

"I get that. That's probably the reason he was blushing so fiercely when I said he was a closet romantic. I was right," Gwaine said as he squeezed Merlin's hand again.

"Yes, it was. He was still convinced that letting others in on how he was feeling would have made him seem weak back then. I'm glad I managed to convince him otherwise," Merlin said, not bothering to hide the still lingering sadness in his voice.

Gwaine pulled Merlin into his chest, and Merlin immediately clung to his tunic. He hadn't realized he needed a hug quite as badly until the knight's arms closed around him. He knew Gwaine probably felt the same way and had been reluctant to admit it. The man was most likely afraid that any sign of weakness form the knight would serve as an invitation for the aforementioned power-seeking noblemen.

They sat there for a long time, drawing strength and comfort from one another. And no doubt there would be nights like this for some time to come. Or at least, Merlin hoped there would be. He trusted Gwaine, and the knight was strong enough to help him get back on track.

"I should head to my rooms now. I need to get some sleep and make sure Gaius does the same. He needs some looking after too," Merlin whispered, pushing back from Gwaine reluctantly.

Gwaine nodded, getting up to see Merlin of without either one of them uttering another word. They didn't need to. They understood each other, there was no doubt about that in Merlin's mind.

When Merlin came back, he found Gaius asleep in his usual spot. He covered the man properly with the quilt that had almost slid off of him, making sure he wouldn't be cold during the night. The man didn't even wake when he climbed the stairs to his room.

Merlin's own foray into sleep wasn't quite as easy. But he had expected nothing else.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finally asks Gaius for some help in dealing with Arthur's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A big thank you to all of you who are reading and following this story. I have the thirteen chapters written out, so you won't have to wait long in between updates. Please leave me a review to tell me what it is you liked about the story, or why you didn't like it. constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Oh, and the song is "Little Talks" by Of Monsters And Men, I noticed I forgot to mention that.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. And I'm afraid I never will, either.

**Chapter Two  
  
**

_The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake.  
It's the house telling you to close your eyes.  
  
_

Merlin turned onto his left side yet again. He'd been in bed for hours, but sleep had not yet come to claim him. At least not properly. Every time he'd tried to close his eyes, the same sound had penetrated his increasingly foggy thoughts: footsteps on the wooden stairs leading to his room.

And they were footsteps he knew well. They were Arthur's, too recognizable to be anyone else's. They climbed the stairs two at a time, each second step heavier than the ones before. He'd relentlessly teased Arthur about it in the beginning in their relationship, but he'd stopped when Arthur had said that they could use it to their advantage.

And they had. Merlin had quickly lost count of how many times Arthur had snuck past a sleeping Gaius and up to his rooms. Arthur had claimed he could go everywhere he wanted as a Prince and no one would dare ask questions. After Uther's death, Merlin had started making his own journeys to Arthur's room as well, as soon after that their relationship had become common knowledge.

But these were the footsteps of a phantom. Arthur was dead; he couldn't be climbing those stairs any longer. The sound was a figment of his imagination, keeping him awake when all he really wanted was to slip into the arms of sleep and have a few hours without the pain and grief still haunting him.

Angrily, he swung his legs out of bed. There was no point in pointlessly tossing and turning; it would only help to drive him mad and make him even more angry than he had been for the last two weeks.

Merlin knew it wasn't healthy to be awake for two or three days before getting a few hours of sleep. His body needed more sleep, needed to let him dream so he'd be able to deal with his remaining guilt over not being by Arthur's side when he was wounded. He'd obeyed Arthur's orders for the first time since they'd begun their relationship, which had been to protect the western left flank while he and the other knights dealt with the eastern flank. And his obedience had gotten Arthur killed.

He pushed his wayward hair out of his face, standing up as he did so. Maybe it was time to take one of the sleeping draughts Gaius had suggested he take for a few days. It sounded very tempting at that moment, as if it was his only means of escaping the torment he was enduring when he was awake.

"Come on, Merlin, it's time to admit you don't have a choice anymore. You're about to trip over your own feet in exhaustion and Gwaine's been looking at you like he's ready to knock you out to get you into a bed. Not to mention the worry that Gwen shows every time she looks at you," he muttered to himself.

It was all that fair to remind himself of the mess he was making; it might lead to him feeling even more inadequate than he already was. But right now, it was the only thing that would be able to make him move. Apart from someone needing saving, but at this time of night that wasn't very likely.

Finally, he managed to make it to the door. His room was spinning rapidly; it probably wasn't safe for him to move at all right now. But there was no other choice. He was not going to wake up Gaius. The man had been busy the entire previous day, bringing a baby into the world and making sure mother and child survived. Merlin had been there for part of it, but he'd been lucky enough to have been put in charge of making the poultices and potions the inhabitants needed. That could be done while seated.

"I can do this. I'm strong. I can do this," he kept repeating to himself under his breath, the words becoming some sort of pillar of support. It wasn't sufficient, because he stumbled down the first two steps more than he walked.

Merlin pressed his hands to the walls on either side of him, steadying himself. There were only ten more steps to go. If he made it down, there would be good things to come. If fell, there would be a huge reprimand from Gaius and probably some more potions than only a sleeping draught. Potions that were sure to leave him unable to move for days, knowing how worried Gaius was.

Unfortunately, he missed the next step. He tumbled down the stairs, his shoulders and arms taking most of the fall as he twisted himself to make sure his head would not hit any of the steps. He couldn't afford the injure himself too badly, not now. There were too many things left to do to ensure Camelot's safety and help the people that were too ill for Gaius to cure.

He let out an unbecoming humpf as his back collided with the stones at the bottom of the stairs. He tried to keep it in, but it was no use. Almost instinctively, his arm came to rest over his eyes. The childlike thought that if he couldn't see the world then the world couldn't see him was the reason for that.

But the world, or more accurately, Gaius, did see him. Merlin could hear him stand up and walk over. He groaned, feeling very tempted to use magic to make Gaius return to bed and forget all about it. But that would mean taking away his free will, and Merlin had vowed he would never do such a thing.

"Well, it seems you're even more clumsy today than you've ever been. Or maybe you're just interested in the craftsmanship that went into that flight of stairs?" Gaius asked, his voice only containing the smallest hint of teasing.

Merlin dropped his arm, very aware of how much his shoulder was protesting against him loving the limb. He didn't bother to hide the signs of discomfort; Gaius could read him too well, he'd see right through him. And he wouldn't be happy about Merlin hiding anything from him.

"The craftsmanship is the least of my worries. I was heading down here to find one of the sleeping draughts you keep in the cupboard. One of the stronger ones. I need to sleep or I'll start losing my mind," Merlin told him, opting to tell the truth straight away. It would make this conversation shorter, which would mean more sleep.

Gaius' eyebrows went up, but he extended a hand to help Merlin up as well. Apparently, he was convinced no permanent damage had been inflicted and the younger man would be fine. Merlin took the hand, not sure he would be able to get to his feet without the aid. It was utterly embarrassing.

"You should have listened to me when I first told you that you should take one. But I'm glad you've finally come to your senses," Gaius toned it down before he began to pull Merlin towards a chair.

Merlin let him, too weak to struggle or even speak. Everything around him was turning into an assembly of shapeless shadows, varying in shade and size. Those shadows were spinning again as well, making him feel nauseous.

"Here, take this. It'll calm your stomach down enough for you to eat something. You're not getting a sleeping draught until I'm sure it won't make you even more ill than you already are," Gaius sternly told him.

Merlin swallowed the content of the vial Gaius pressed into his hand in one go, no longer caring about anything but getting better. The effect was noticeable within minutes; he could sit up somewhat straighter without feeling like he would have to puke out his innards when he opened his mouth.

Gaius disappeared from view, returning with a plate with cold meat and bread on it, a cup of water and a vial with a familiar blue colour. It was the strongest potion to help someone sleep they had. He obviously was more worried than he'd let on, Merlin realized when he saw it.

The food did not look in the least appealing, but he forced himself to finish one slice of bread with a piece of the meat. He could very well kill himself if he took the draught without having anything in his stomach. And despite everything he had been through lately, he had no desire to die at such an early age.

Even though he wasn't looking at the older man, he was well aware Gaius was eyeing him intently. He drowned the blue liquid, scrunching up his nose in disgust; even burnt food tasted better. Then again, he'd always been told that the worse a remedy tasted, the better it worked. He hoped this went for the draught as well.

"It should take you about fifteen minutes to fall asleep; you should head to bed and get comfortable, because I'm not dragging you there. You're too heavy for that. And too old too," Gaius said, smiling for real this time.

Merlin nodded, although he still wasn't looking forward to getting back into bed. Fifteen minutes seemed like a long time to wait. There would be more than enough tossing and turning to be done until the darkness finally closed in around him.

"Could you sit with me until I fall asleep? I don't want to be alone. I keep hearing footsteps on the stairs, I keep imagining that Arthur's there. That I'll see him when I open my eyes. Maybe it won't be as bad if you're there. Please?" Merlin whispered, not looking at Gaius.

The words stung in his throat, but there was no denying the truth anymore. He'd leaned on Gaius when he'd first come to Camelot years ago, and he needed to lean on him now. He could only hope Gaius would be able to shoulder the burden. Because he would most certainly be willing.

Gaius reached out to touch Merlin's hand. he physician's hand was a lot warmer than his own, and the feeling of being protected that came with it was immediate. Maybe he should have allowed Gaius in sooner, just like the man had said. But there was nothing for it now; he couldn't change the past, not even with all the powers that he possessed.

"Of course I'll sit by your side until you're asleep. I'd do anything to help you. You know that, don't you?" Gaius asked, tipping Merlin's head up so they were looking into each other's eyes.

"I know. I've know that since I set foot in Camelot. I just thought I had to do this alone, that it would be easier if I didn't let anyone tell me what to do but did what felt right to me. The only problem is, I don't know what's right for me anymore. Everything I do makes things worse," he muttered, struggling not to look away from Gaius.

Gaius seemingly had no such qualms, however. He stood up and took Merlin's hand in his again, pulling him up as soon as that was possible. The court physician then led Merlin back to the bedroom he'd vacated before.

Merlin could feel the draught taking effect. His eyelids were growing heavy and his legs were becoming more difficult to manipulate. But he would have to wait a little longer for the effect to be complete.

As soon as Gaius had gently pushed Merlin down onto the bed, the older man tucked the blanket in around him. He then settled in close to the young magician, his hand touching Merlin's forehead for a second.

Merlin turned onto his side, resting his face against Gaius' thigh like he had done with his mother when she sat with him when he was a young boy. It made him feel protected, safe and loved, three things he desperately needed to feel. And he hoped there was something good to find in all of this for Gaius as well.

"Thank you," Merlin mumbled almost unintelligibly when he could no longer keep his eyes open. He wanted to say more, wanted to find the words best suited to convey what he wanted Gaius to know: that he cared for him as if the old man was his father, that he was sorry for being a burden and that he would never forget how much Gaius had done for him.

Gaius probably understood, though. The man was intelligent and perceptive, and he'd known Merlin for quite a while now. Therefor it came as no surprise that he uttered a few soft words.

"Ssh, it's all right. Sleep now. There'll be time enough to talk in the morning," Gaius whispered almost inaudibly.

And Merlin let himself be dragged beneath the surface of sleep. As he drifted off, the sound of footsteps did not return to drag him back up. In fact, there was nothing to be heard except for Gaius' soft breathing as he sat beside him.

Merlin didn't wake up until the sun was almost at midday height. For the first time in two weeks, he didn't feel like he wouldn't be able to get out of bed. He was more rested and he wasn't as dizzy as he'd expected.

But the fatigue wasn't completely gone, and the room still spun around him a little when he stood up. He might have set foot on the road to recovery, but he was nowhere near the end of it. He'd be walking it for a long while to come, taking small steps every day. Because even more present than the other discomforts was the ever lingering pain, accompanied by a unhealthily large dollop of grief.

He didn't think he'd ever find a way to deal with that, but at least a good night's sleep had helped to make him feel less weak. Maybe there was some hope after all. Arthur wouldn't have wanted him to stop living his life because he'd died. He'd told Merlin that himself before they had ridden of to battle.

When he joined Gaius at the table, he saw two plates of food standing at the ready. His was obviously filled with bread and honey and a few other things one might eat for breakfast. Gaius was already eating an early luncheon.

"Finish that plate before you disappear to wherever it is you disappear to. I don't fancy having to go through the same ordeal twice in as many days," Gaius warned him, although the worry was too present no to overrule the slight bit to the words.

Merlin did as he was told, cleaning up the table and the plates before heading out. He wanted to go to the river and after that buy some necessities at the market place. He wanted to do the things he usual did on a day like this.

But as he wove his way between the people of Camelot who were buying their own supplies of food and the likes or were heading off to see those they cared about, a sudden thought struck Merlin.

He would never manage to deal with his grief here. Everything he saw had Arthur written all over it. Everyone he talked to knew Arthur. He would never succeed in coming to terms with his death if he let himself be surrounded by Arthur's ghost.

But that would mean leaving everything and everyone he knew behind. Because all of his friends lived right here, in Camelot. Ealdor was out of the question too. Will was dead, his mother was not alive anymore either and he had never felt quite as at home there as in Camelot didn't help.

Deep in his heart, Merlin knew there'd be some difficult conversations to have before he could leave. And a part of him didn't want to, because he was afraid cutting all ties to the physical remnants of Arthur's life might prove to be the wrong thing to do. But the other part of him knew he had no choice.

After all, what life would he have if he let it be controlled by the ghosts of the past?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin meets up with an old friend one last time before he leaves Camelot forever. Their goodbye goes in pretty much the only way it ever could have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A big thank you to all those who have so far started reading or following my story or me as an author. I hope you'll all enjoy this chapter as well! Please drop me a review to let me know whether you do, and if you don't, tell me what I should change. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Merlin, which is actually rather depressing.

**Chapter Three  
  
**

_Some days I can't even trust myself.  
It's killing me to see you this way.  
  
_

The leaves rustled restlessly, smudging weird shadows across the floor of the forest. Not that the autumn sun was particularly strong, just strong enough to make the shadows noticeable. The looked oddly like butterflies fluttering through the sky with the grace inherent to those creatures.

But Merlin didn't pay too much attention to the shadows or the other things of beauty that still persisted around him. He wasn't here for pleasure. He was here to honour the request of an old friend, a request he couldn't have denied even if he'd wanted to. After all, Kilghara had done so much for him that coming there was the least Merlin could do.

Not that the reason for his being there was joyful. Kilghara had reached the end of his life's path. The Great Dragon was about to die, and he had asked Merlin to meet him one last time. There was something the creature of magic wanted to give to young warlock, and the dragon's words had held such force that Merlin had left as soon as he'd woken up that morning.

Truth be told, he'd been planning to leave Camelot that day as it was. He'd said his goodbyes to Gwaine and the other knights, to Gwen and to Gaius before. His bag had been standing at the ready, looking too small to be used to start a new life somewhere far away.

But Merlin had left everything he didn't think he'd need. He'd simply taken his clothes and one of Arthur's tunics (a keepsake for the days he feared he would forget his one true love), some of his books and food to keep him going for a few days. After he ran out of food, he'd use his magic to get himself some more.

If it hadn't been for Kilghara's request, he would have probably been miles away by now. He'd planned on walking away from the city with his head held high and focusing on the future he might be able to build for himself. It was the only way to find the courage he'd never thought he'd find.

"Lancelot might have had a point when he said I was the bravest of us all," Merlin conceded years after the most loyal of Arthur's knights had uttered those words. It had been when the immortal army was about to bring Camelot down stone by stone, and all he had done back then was snort at Lancelot.

Arthur had been so angry when he discovered Merlin had trusted Lancelot with his biggest secret and not him. It was the first fight they'd had in their relationship, and by far the worst as well. Not because of the magic, but because Arthur had feared Merlin didn't really trust him.

For three days they'd barely spoken to each other. Arthur hadn't come to Merlin's room and he'd avoided Merlin as much as possible. Merlin had eventually cornered him on that third evening and had confessed to him that all he'd been afraid of was that Arthur wouldn't know how to handle the knowledge he had magic that early on. He'd insisted he had never been afraid Arthur would kill him, he'd simply thought this was an even worse moment to admit to having magic than any other moment he could possibly pick.

That had settled Arthur's nerves and their relationship had come out stronger. Since that day they had not kept secrets; instead, they'd faced their fears and insecurities head-on, as they should have done from the start. It hadn't always been easy, but at least they'd avoided some dangerous pitfalls along the way because of it.

Finally, Merlin noticed the trees were wider apart. According to Kilghara's message, it wouldn't be too far to the clearing where the Great Dragon was awaiting his arrival from here. He wasn't exactly sure he was glad for that, as the end of this road was not one that held anything good.

Merlin shook his head, clearing it of the unwelcome thought. Instead, he contemplated Kilghara's choice of setting for their final meeting. He had to admit it was a good one. It was far from prying eyes, not many travelers dared to cross these woods. Legend and myth had a firm grip on these surroundings. It was also a good choice because the Goddess of the old religion they were both creatures of was most easily found in nature.

Even the season was fitting. Autumn was the season in which everything slowly died, culminating in the seeming death of all things that was so typical of winter. On the other hand, it was also the season that never failed to remind Merlin the world was stronger than people thought.

Suddenly, there were no trees anymore. There were herbs, grass and bushes, but the trees stopped abruptly to indicate Merlin had now reached the clearing. He'd been so lost in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed the large figure of Kilghara lying down on the grass a few feet away.

Kilghara's eyes were closed. He was still breathing, as the soft movement of his flanks showed. Maybe he was asleep, Merlin pondered as he quietly approached the enormous creature, trying not to disturb the Great Dragon.

He should have known it would be futile, though. Kilghara had never failed to notice Merlin's arrival before he'd even made himself known, and this time was no different. The Great Dragon's eyelids fluttered slightly before opening fully.

"It's nice of you to be here, young warlock. Once again you show the kindness I have known you to have for as long as I've known you," Kilghara said, his voice more steady and less gravely than Merlin had anticipated.

Not that it wasn't different than before; Merlin didn't even have to be a dragon lord to hear the fatigue and acceptance behind the words. Even a child could have heard it if they'd been listening for it. Which Merlin obviously was, since he knew of the state Kilghara was in.

"Everyone is young in comparison to you, old friend. I may be an adult now, but when I'm around you I still feel like a child," Merlin smiled, letting the fondness he felt for the Great Dragon shine through in his words.

"Be that as it may, young warlock, you have an old soul. I just keep referring to you as young because you shouldn't let the weight of that old soul drag you down," Kilghara grinned in turn, his enormous white teeth shining brightly in the few rays of the sun that managed to reach him.

Merlin was glad that his old friend wasn't in any pain. That probably had to do with the fact Kilghara had readily accepted his time had come to leave this earth. He was so at peace with his destiny that there was nothing that could hurt him in any way. Merlin envied him for that. He could only hope he would be able of accepting his death as easily when it came, whenever that might be.

"You said you had something you wanted to give me before you passed. Why don't you do that now? If things get worse later, you might not be able to anymore. And I don't want you to die with any regrets," Merlin softly intoned, sitting down on the grass close to the dragon's side.

Kilghara nodded his large head, but didn't speak. His golden eyes never closed, though, which told Merlin that the gesture held more meaning that words ever could have. His heart thumped rapidly in his chest. What was it Kilghara had planned? Should he be afraid or suspicious?

He immediately decided he shouldn't be. The dragon had always tried to help, even if Merlin hadn't always heeded his advice or had refused to ask the dragon for it. There was no reason to assume Kilghara's intentions were anything but good this time.

"When Arthur passed, I told you some life's have been foretold and that his was one of those lives. I told you that he was the Once and Future King, and that he would return when he was needed by his people, did I not?" Kilghara asked, positively scrutinizing Merlin with those enormous eyes of his.

Merlin nodded, mimicking the Great Dragon's actions from before. It was hard to breath, and his hands were trembling. This was about Arthur? What did the creature know that he'd kept from Merlin until now? Did he even want to know?

"I have in my possession a spell that will help you find Arthur when he rises once more from his grave on the Isle of Avalon. I am sorry to not have given it to you before, young warlock, but without the pain and grief you've felt it would not have worked. I'm afraid that that is the way of this spell," Kilghara apologised.

"I understand. Magic works in strange ways, and this is simply an example of that. I'm already glad you can give it to me now. But why? I am bound to die one day. Arthur is gone and will return, but that is not my destiny. Or is it?" Merlin asked, worrying his bottom lip as he spoke.

For a second, Kilghara closed his eyes. There was something in those orbs that Merlin couldn't name. Or maybe he didn't dare to, for fear of being right. Whatever the reason, the warlock waited patiently for the Great Dragon to speak once more.

When he did, his voice was softer and filled with a larger array of emotions than Merlin had ever know it to be. Unconsciously, he scooted somewhat closer to Kilghara. The creature placed his head almost on Merlin's lap to get his message across before the words tumbled from the ancient lips.

"No, young warlock. Your story is a different one. You are meant to wait for the King's return. You are meant to guide him and help him find his place in the new world when he is born into it once more. That is the price you will pay for losing your heart to him," Kilghara said.

Now it was Merlin's turn to close his eyes. Of all the things he thought Kilghara might say to him, this was the one thing he hadn't included. He'd have to find out what to think about this, but not now. Now, he needed to accept the spell Kilghara wanted to give him.

"Give me the spell then. If I might need it one day I have no choice but to accept it. There is no running from your destiny. You taught me that right after we'd first met," Merlin spoke, finally letting his eyes meet those of the dragon again.

Kilghara uttered the words while breathing across Merlin, something he hadn't done when he taught Merlin how to heal Morgana or defeat Cornelius Sigan. Why he did it was a mystery to him, but he decided to let it slip.

"Ábeþecedest mín oþres dæl," Kilghara said, the tone of his words more serious and gravelly than ever before.

Merlin's inside warmed up when the words washed over him. The blue-ish hue around him felt exactly right, as it always did. For a moment nothing but the words mattered, they were all that existed in the world.

Slowly, the hue disappeared. All that was left was the feeling a wrong had been righted somehow. From experience he knew that feeling would subside in a few minutes, as would the dizziness accompanying it. It had never really gotten any easier to accept spells from the dragon as time went on.

"Remember that this spell will not work until he reawakens. Your heart will tell you when that is. And on that day, you may utter the words that will lead you to him. But don't forget that he will need time to come to terms with who he is. It's very likely he won't remember a thing until the two of you meet," Kilghara warned him.

It wasn't what Merlin had wanted to hear, but he would take it. If Kilghara was confident Merlin would help bring back Arthur's memories of his first life, then he should not doubt that. If this all came to pass, that is. For all he knew, destiny might all of a sudden decide things would go quite differently. She was unpredictable like that, after all.

"I won't forget the spell or the warning. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. You must know that by now," Merlin said, letting the corners of his mouth twitch up in something that resembled a smile. He wished he could grant Kilghara a true smile on the last day of his life, but he refused to fake one. The Great Dragon would know anyway.

Kilghara rested his head back on the ground, his breath rustling the grass and plants. He was breathing softly, though, which meant Merlin could easily sit in front of him without getting blown away. He was grateful for it. He wanted to be as close to Kilghara as possible right now.

"My end is closing in. It won't be long now. I wish there was more I could for you, the one who showed Arthur magic wasn't evil. And I hope you will remember me fondly," Kilghara said, not opening his eyes anymore.

"I will most certainly remember you fondly, old friend. We might have had our disputes in the past, but you've never been anything but my friend. Or even family, considering your place in my heart beside Arthur and Gaius," Merlin smiled.

Kilghara's lips twisted into something Merlin knew to be a smile. It was an odd look on the dragon, all teeth and lips. It made him look even more terrifying than normal. But Merlin knew that his bark was worse than his bite. Apart from the one time he had taken revenge for being locked up for so long. It was the only time they had faced each other as opponents instead of friend and allies.

"All the creatures of the Old Religion are family, Merlin, whether they want to be or not. Aithusa, Morgana, you and myself were all relatives in that way. Because Morgana was a creature of the Old Religion. She would never have had the same powers as you, but she would have been a lot more powerful if she had used her magic for good," Kilghara said, speaking more slowly now.

"I never really considered her a part of my family, even if I had two reasons to do so," Merlin said, referring to the fact Morgana had been Arthur's half-sister. "Maybe that was because she stood for everything I despised and wanted to kill the one I loved more than life itself. Maybe it was something else. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter anymore. I killed her and she won't bother anyone anymore," Merlin whispered, reaching out to place his hand on Kilghara's head.

A soft pressure against his hand told Merlin that Kilghara was leaning into his touch. For a creature so powerful and large it was odd, but Merlin enjoyed the sensation. It spoke volumes at to the trust they had invested in each other, how much they had come to depend on one another.

"Usually another dragon watches over a dying dragon. If Aithusa had still been alive, she would have been here. Because no matter how they feel about the dying dragon, whichever dragon is closest will sit by him. I'm glad in some way the old tradition hasn't died, even if you're not a dragon," Kilghara said, rumbling softly.

"I'm grateful you're letting me do this. No one should die alone, whether it be a dragon, woman, man or child. It's a good thing you realized that before it was too late," Merlin said, gently stroking the dragon's scales.

Silence fell over them once more, only disturbed by the rustling of leaves. The sun was setting by now, making the shadows lengthen. It was becoming colder and darker, but Merlin didn't notice. He was too focused on the fact it took Kilghara longer and longer between each breath to draw the air he needed into his lungs. The Great Dragon was holding on, though, as if he was waiting for something.

Merlin wracked his brain to remember all he read about dragons and all that Kilghara had ever told him. As Gaius' ward he knew full well that Kilghara would soon be in pain, as his longs would begin to feel as if they were burning when the pause between each breath grew even larger.

And Kilghara's heart was slowing down as well. It had been beating, which Merlin could feel beneath his feet as the dragon was lying on the ground. If that didn't go fast enough, he would be suffering a lot longer than was truly necessary.

"It's okay, Kilghara. You have done all there was to do. You can let go now," Merlin whispered, hoping he was saying the right thing. He wanted to make sure Kilghara died with some dignity, and that the Great Dragon knew he had done more than his fair share to keep Camelot safe despite his initial anger.

Kilghara sighed, his entire body growing limp and sagging somewhat to the side. His face had a peaceful expression on it, at least as far as Merlin could tell; he wasn't a master at reading the dragon's facial expressions by a long shot. But there were no worry lines or tension lines in his face, which made him believe his assessment was right.

And then, the soft thumping of the dragon's heart stopped entirely. The ground no longer trembled. Even the forest seemed to have gone quiet in respect of Kilghara's demise. Merlin also refrained from speaking.

The tears, though, did fall. Silently they dropped to the floor much like the autumn rains that often fell in these months. He quickly got himself together, though. He needed to say his goodbyes and leave before the day ended completely.

"Goodbye, Kilghara. May you be at peace wherever you are," he softly said, pressing his head to Kilghara's snout in a final show of affection for the creature of the Old Religion that had just left this world.

As if the body had waited for this, it crumbled to dust. The wind swept in, carrying the grey crumbles away to wherever it was they would come to rest. Merlin smiled despite the sadness he felt. It was a beautiful way to honour the Great Dragon.

Finally turning his back onto the clearing, he swung his bag onto his shoulder; there was no reason to stay any longer. And without looking back, he set foot onto the path to his uncertain future, waiting for it to begin.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's life has changed drastically since he lost Arthur. And so have the times he now finds himself living in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As always, a huge thank you to all those who have liked, followed or reviewed. You guys make my day! A small warning, this is the first chapter to play out in the modern time. That said, I'll hope you'll like it! please review to let me know your thought on this chapter!
> 
> Disclaimer: Despite my trying, I still don't own anything.

**Chapter Four  
** _  
_   
_'Cause though the truth may vary  
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.  
Hey! Hey! Hey!  
  
_

Merlin smiled as he narrowly avoided being tackled to the ground by two young children who were chasing a ball. The boys were Simon and Gregory, and they lived down the street. Their parents were getting ready to head to the Farmers' Market a few blocks over, which they greatly enjoyed.

Merlin had decided that today was as good as any to head out to the market himself. He really needed to buy some food or he'd have to order take out. Since he hadn't grown up eating that kind of food, he preferred to cook his own.

As a man who was twenty-five, worked at the accident and emergency department in the local hospital and helped out in the children's ward once a week, that had surprised his friends when they'd discovered it.

At least they hadn't figured out he wasn't at all who he claimed to be. His name was strange enough as it was, they didn't need to know he was a thousand five hundred years old. They would probably think he was crazy and have him locked away before he could say a single word.

That didn't mean he didn't still dream about his old life, his true life as he called it in the confines of his own head. He remembered it all as if it was yesterday: the sounds, the smells, the people and the places. They were a permanent part of him, and he had had to struggle to come to terms with that.

Not that he had completely succeeded. The losses he'd suffered more than a thousand years before still hurt from time to time when the birthdays or anniversaries of the deaths of his friends arrived. Or when he met someone that reminded him of Lancelot, Gwaine, Gaius or one of the others.

He'd actually considered looking for a job that meant he wouldn't have to deal with people too much in an attempt to make life easier. But Merlin enjoyed human contact too much to do that. He needed to be surrounded by people, he needed them to understand his life really still had a purpose. He'd allowed himself to start doubting that about halfway in, and he couldn't go back there.

Simon and Gregory now ran towards him again. They waved and Gregory put the ball up to wordlessly ask Merlin whether he could throw it. Merlin nodded, catching the ball when it flew towards him at considerable speed.

"Having fun, boys?" he grinned as he threw the ball into Simon's arms. The children were usually pretty well-behaved, he'd seen that the few times he'd watched them so their parents could have some time to themselves. It had been as easy way to use a small amount of extra money to buy cd's while he was in college.

"Loads of fun!" the boys exclaimed as one, hopping up to him. They liked the calm, inventive young man, he often played with them even if he wasn't supposed to watch them. His house was open to every child or grownup on the street.

The boys had even held their last birthday party at Merlin's house, since his garden was a lot larger than theirs; they hadn't even had to beg. As soon as they'd asked, Merlin had agreed it was a wonderful idea. He'd entertained them with magic tricks and had fed them the most amazing pies.

Merlin liked having them around because they were at the age where he didn't have to lie to them yet. He could simply say he was a magician and they wouldn't question the truth. Neither would their parents when they explained which tricks he'd shown them. They assumed he was just doing what regular people did when they did tricks.

"Well, that's good to hear. I'm going to be out for a while, so you won't be able to hang around while your parents are gone today, I'm afraid. But I'll make up for it next week. How does that sound?" he asked, knowing the answer already.

"That sounds really good! Can you bake apple pie then? Please?" Simon asked, giving Merlin the puppy dos eyes the warlock could never say no to.

After agreeing that he'd bake them apple pie, Merlin watched them disappear into their house. There was no doubt in is mind that he would be seeing them tomorrow. He'd better make sure to buy apples and whatever else he didn't have in his cupboard to make the cake. On second thought, maybe it would be better to bake small cakes they could hold in their hands. And he'd have Jane and Robert join them for tea.

The walk to the market wasn't all that long, ten minutes at a moderate pace. When he arrived, he wondered why he didn't go there more often: the kind people at the stand, the delicious smells and the happy sounds were enough to make him feel like today was the most perfect day.

He'd really needed that pick-me-up, if he were honest. And being Merlin, the would-have-been Court Sorcerer of the legendary King Arthur's court, he always tried to be. He'd needed it because he'd been dreaming of Arthur a lot lately. The visions of their times spent together had come to him about once a week in previous years, but now they were there every night.

It worried Merlin a little. He was certain it meant Arthur was about to come back. But when or where was anyone's guess. And that was the most annoying thing Merlin had ever experienced. He wanted to know whether the memories were already awakening in Arthur, or whether his lover was only a newborn at this time, waiting to meet the world a second time.

As a warlock, he could have attempted to use his powers to discover Arthur's location. He could have asked for a vision or he could have used the spell Kilghara had given him as soon as that nagging feeling in his gut that Arthur was back had taken hold.

The reason he hadn't done that was that he'd been getting extremely restless when it came to Arthur recently. He'd begun to think that it had to be about time for him to return. Not because Albion's need was dire per se, but rather because his was. His best friend Henry had found his one true love a few months back, a wonderful girl named Amy. That had made his heart ache more than anything in the past one and a half thousand years.

For the first time since he'd left Camelot all those years ago, he had slept in the old tunic of Arthur's. He'd used his magic to keep it in perfect condition. He'd also taken to not wearing it every evening after a few years in an attempt to keep Arthur's scent in it as much as possible. It had taken some more magic to do it, but he'd succeeded relatively well considering.

By now, Merlin had reached the market. Immediately, he walked over to a vegetable stand. He bought some spinach, some leaks, carrots and cauliflower. He could prepare those and put them in the freezer until he needed them.

"Thank you. Here you go. Keep the change," he added quickly when the woman wanted to hand him a few coins. She positively beamed, making him smile in return. It was such an easy way to make the world a better place, making someone smile, yet no one did it anywhere near enough. In these modern times, people seemed to have forgotten the power of the smile just a little.

The next stand he spotted was one with all types of fruit. Merlin walked over, ordering apples, a few oranges and some pears. He liked to take a piece of fruit to work as a snack, and he absolutely loved freshly made orange juice.

He paid, humming to himself. If things continued like this, he would be able to start baking soon. And he'd probably make a few chocolate cakes as well to get rid of the last bars of chocolate he had left from the package he'd bought a week ago.

Even more happy now that he had what the most important items on his shopping list, he turned away from the stand. He had his arms full of stuff already, but he wasn't bothered by it. In comparison to the things he'd carried around in his time with Arthur, this was a breeze.

And those happy thoughts were what made that he was completely unprepared when he collided with someone. His bags went flying, and he dropped to the ground. His apples ended up rolling away, and his butt would most definitely be bruised. But he wasn't hurt too badly, which was all that mattered.

"I'm so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going. I'm not usually like this. Are you okay? You didn't break anything, did you?" a male voice that was very recognizable asked him, obviously worried.

When Merlin looked up, his eyes connected with the two pools of blue the love he felt for his blonde King was reflected in at all times. The blond hair the man turned out to have was exactly the same as Arthur's had been too.

It took him a few seconds to realise that he was in fact looking at Arthur. He forgot to breathe altogether then, his heart pounding in his chest. It was totally ridiculous that he'd been assuring himself Arthur would turn up soon and it had turned out to be today. He should have known that would be how it would come to pass. As he'd once said, magic worked in unpredictable ways.

"I'm fine. Really. The only things that's broken is my ego. But hey, that can be mended really quickly. I'm Merlin, by the way," Merlin finally managed to say, painting a smile on his face that he hoped was convincing.

It seemed he succeeded, because Arthur smiled back at him and extended a hand. He took it, but soon doubted his own sanity. The reason for that was that the sparks of electricity dancing across his skin when he touched Arthur again were just as strong as they'd been the first time around. It was an almost fruitless struggle to keep from gasping out loud at the sensation.

"I'm Arthur. Maybe I could help mend your ego by buying you a drink? I have a little time to kill as I wait for someone, and I haven't made a lot of friends yet. I only moved here two months ago. Maybe having a drink with you would be a good start?" Arthur said, looking at Merlin confidently.

It was the same confidence he'd carried around in his swordfights, on his hunting trips and when he'd asked his subjects to accept that Merlin was the love of his life and no one would ever be able to break them up. It was so typical of Arthur that Merlin would have recognised it even if Arthur hadn't looked at all like his former self.

Merlin wanted to spend some more time with Arthur. He needed to find out exactly how much Arthur had changed, whether he knew anything. Only then would he ready to determine how to proceed from here.

But there was one thing Merlin was certain of, and that was that he would have to win Arthur's heart again. Now that he had him here, he wouldn't settle for just being friends. He couldn't do that. And he didn't think there'd be any reason for having been put through so many changes and so much suffering if he couldn't have another chance with his beloved.

Of course he wasn't expecting to have Arthur remember everything. It might take some time. But if there was the smallest chance of them getting back together, then he didn't mind it taking a while. It hadn't been an easy road the first time either, and they'd made it in the end.

"I'd like that. I'm thirsty as it. There's a small pub around the corner where we could go. It's quiet, the drinks are good and the people there are usually very kind as well. A good place to meet more friends," Merlin suggested.

Arthur nodded, finale letting go of Merlin's hand. The sense of loss was immediate, and to make up for it he made sure to fall into step beside Arthur straight away. It didn't help quite as much as he'd hoped, but it was at least enough to take the sting out of it a little.

As they walked towards the pub, Merlin's head was spinning. He had no idea how to deal with this situation. He'd tried to prepare for it, had imagined a thousand ways in which Arthur might come into his life or might respond when they first met. But right now, none of the scenarios he'd painted out seemed fitting.

He shook his head almost imperceptibly. He'd just have to learn how to cope as he went along. If that meant being Arthur's friend before moving on to being more, that was what he would do. It had worked once, so it might work again.

"Might" being the operative word here, unfortunately. Merlin was well aware he had changed in some small ways, and Arthur was sure to have changed somewhat as well. This would be a very dangerous road to set foot on; he'd have to take things as slowly as possible to not risk ruining things before they even started.

Soon enough they were settled in the pub, the both of them holding a glass of water. Merlin had anticipated Arthur choosing wine or ale, but the blond man had shrugged and said he was having dinner with the person he was waiting for.

"What do you do for a living, if you don't mind my asking?" Merlin questioned, desperate not to let the silence linger on too long and discover all he could about this new version of Arthur.

"I work in a daycare a few block away. I've always liked children, so I love the job. They can be quite the handful, but usually I can manage just fine. It's a very rewarding job," Arthur said.

Merlin smiled. He remembered the soft, wistful look Arthur had always had over him when he saw children. His heart also didn't race a million miles an hour anymore, since he figured Arthur didn't have any just yet. Things would have gotten a lot more complicated if there'd been children involved.

"I feel the same way about my work in hospital. It isn't always all that easy, but it never fails to be rewarding. And I wouldn't have it any other way," Merlin grinned, knowing full well there were lights dancing in his eyes.

For a second it was as if Arthur's eyes bore into his soul when they connected to his own. But the moment passed so quickly Merlin couldn't be sure it had actually happened. Therefore, he decided to pretend it hadn't until he could be certain. He would deal with it either way.

"I thought about becoming a doctor once," Arthur admitted readily. "But I decided against it when I realized I would lose patients. I didn't think I'd deal with that very well. It's totally awesome that you're a doctor. Aren't you a little young for that, though? No offense," Arthur quickly added.

It was Merlin's turn to grin now. He'd heard that before. Fortunately, he had a story at the ready that he had managed to back up with some magically created papers. He had gone through the years of studying, but he'd done it more quickly than was normal. Gaius had been a good teacher, and he had picked up a lot of knowledge in different countries, where he'd carefully erased every detail of his existence.

"None taken. I graduated a few years earlier than is common. My uncle was a doctor, I picked up a lot from him before I even started medical school. And I turned out to be a little more intelligent than the average student, so I started medical school at sixteen already," he said, keeping his face as close to neutral as possible.

Arthur accepted the explanation without any fuss, which made Merlin breathe a sigh of relief on the inside. Things weren't as awkward as he'd expected, even if they weren't anywhere near as easy as he'd hope they'd be. But at this moment, he'd take anything he could get.

Their conversation was interrupted by the sudden beeping of Arthur's phone. The blond glanced at it, looking at Merlin apologetically. Merlin knew what was coming, and it made his heart ache. But as he had done so many times for this man in the past, he put on his brave face. The blond typed out a message before focusing on him again.

"I really have to go or I'll be late… Will you walk with me, though? it's just that you're great company," Arthur said, no sign of embarrassment over the words on his face. Not that Merlin had expected it, the man had always been too confident for his own good.

Merlin agreed to walk with him, and after paying the tab they found themselves outside again. As before, they fell into step straight away and continued the banter over anything under the sun. It was deceptively easy to talk to Arthur, the words pouring from his mouth without much thought.

"Ah, there she is. Doesn't she look stunning?" Arthur suddenly said, drowning out the last words of Merlin's sentence.

Merlin followed his eyes and his breath caught on his throat when he saw the woman Arthur was looking at. She was dressed in a beautiful red dress that contrasted gorgeously with her alabaster skin and dark brown hair. Her pumps were the same colour, and they had small flowers on them. There was a flower tucked in her hair as well, elegantly keeping the tresses out of her face.

When they came closer, Merlin saw that she had green eyes. And not just any kind of green, the mysterious green that Merlin knew Arthur loved so much. It was in fact the same shade of green as the tunic of Arthur's that Merlin had kept.

The last dash of hope that she was just a friend of Arthur's was crushed when he kissed her lips once before introducing her.

"Merlin, this is Isobel. Isobel, this is Merlin. We met when I literally ran into him a little while ago," Arthur told his girlfriend.

Merlin's heart sank through the ground as he realized this was the Guinevere situation all over again. And this time, there was no telling whether Arthur would choose him or this woman. After all, who said Arthur even liked men this time around?


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin receives a call in the middle of the night. It's Arthur, who's reaching out to him for the first time since they've met in modern times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Chapter five already! Wow, this is really going fast, isn't it? well, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as the other ones. To all of you who read, liked and reviewed: I love you guys! You always make my day. Please let me know what you think about this new chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I hate to say this, but I still don't own Merlin. Else, the series would still be running.

**C** **hapter Five  
  
**

_There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back.  
Well tell her that I miss our little talks.  
  
_

The buzzing of his phone was what woke Merlin up. Drowsily, he reached for it. In the light of the full moon that shone through the window it was easy to find, despite the fact he was still half asleep.

"Merlin speaking," he said, suppressing a yawn. He succeeded, albeit barely. He wasn't on call, so this wasn't a call from the hospital. But whoever it was obviously needed some kind of help. They wouldn't be calling in the middle of the night if they didn't.

A glance at the clock on the bedroom wall revealed that he was right. It was three in the norming; this was not the time for social calls without meaning. None of his friends would spoke him like this if it wasn't important.

When the person on the others side spoke, though, Merlin pushed himself up straight away. He swung his legs out of bed, planting his feet on the cold floor beside the bed. He refused to put a carpet there, since he'd never had one in Camelot either. At least not before he'd gotten together with Arthur. The blond had even taken the carpet away from beside his bed for a while to give Merlin the time to grow used to it.

"Hey, Merlin. It's me, Arthur. I know it's an absolutely ungodly hour, but I need to talk to you. I didn't know who else to call," Arthur said, his voice trembling a little. It also sounded scratchier than ever, and the insecurity was clearly audible in it.

Merlin realised Arthur had been crying. The anger that rose inside him burnt like some vile concoction. Even the second time around he was one of the sweetest people Merlin had ever known. He wasn't someone who hurt others or treated them disrespectfully. There would be no reason for anyone to make him cry.

"That's okay, I told you that you can call me no matter the time of day or night. Are you sure you want to do this over the phone? We could meet up somewhere if you prefer," Merlin said, keeping his voice soft and calm in the knowledge Arthur needed him to be strong now.

Arthur had visited Merlin at his house only once before, a week ago almost to the day. If anything, Arthur probably wouldn't feel comfortable enough to show what he undoubtedly saw as a weakness in this place. He couldn't be sure Arthur would do it in a pub or anything of the sort, but there was at least some hope.

"Uhm… I'm at your door right now? Do you think I can come in? I know it's silly calling you instead of ringing the bell, I just thought you might freak out a little if I ended up here unexpectedly at this hour. So…" Arthur said, his voice dying away slowly.

"I'm coming down to open the door right now," Merlin said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. He was more than a little surprised Arthur already trusted him this much already, despite feeling slightly giddy because of it as well.

He practically flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time. It had to be bad for Arthur to come here instead of turning to his family or the friends he'd known for years. Merlin knew his parents were still alive and that he had a good bond with them, and he knew Arthur had a lot of friends who loved him dearly.

Within minutes, he had opened the door. As soon as Arthur came into sight, his heart stopped beating. The blond man's eyes were puffy and red, even his cheeks were coloured. The rest of his face was too pale, tough.

Without any hesitation, Merlin opened his arms. Arthur took the invitation and stepped into them, pressing his head to Merlin's shoulder. Tears soaked his shirt, but he didn't care about the wetness. He simply rubbed gentle circles on Arthur's back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear to help him get his bearings back.

"Let's sit down, okay? You're upset and I want you to be comfortable before you tell me what's gotten you into this state. Else, things might get worse instead of better. And neither one of us wants that," Merlin whispered, pushing back a little from Arthur.

He then took Arthur's hand in his, leading him to the sofa. He didn't let go when they sat down, enjoying the contact. There was also another reason, which was that the touch seemed to ground and calm Arthur. The man was trembling less than he'd been when he arrived and the tension was slowly draining from his muscles.

"Are you sure you want to listen to my story right now? I could just head home and come back tomorrow or something. You don't have to do this now if you'd rather get some sleep. I know you've been even busier than usual at work lately," Arthur murmured, unconsciously shifting to be closer to Merlin.

Merlin lifted Arthur's chin with his hand, making the blond look him in the eye. It was important that Arthur understood he meant what he was about to say. Else, things would be taking a turn for the worst and he could not let that happen. Not now Arthur was in more need of his help than he had ever been.

"I want to do this. I wouldn't have let you in if I didn't, I wouldn't have said you could come over or call whenever you wanted or if you needed my help. I'm glad you took me up on my offer. No one should have to go through difficult times on their own, no matter what kind of trouble they're in," Merlin softly spoke.

Another bit of the remaining tension drained from Arthur's muscles, and Merlin breathed a little more easily. Maybe he would be able to help without too much of a struggle; he sincerely hoped so, as he didn't want to have to push Arthur into doing anything he wasn't comfortable with.

"Okay then. I was out with Isobel tonight. We'd decided to catch a film and have a drink at my house afterwards. Much like we always do. However, my intentions weren't quite as honourable as they usually are. I had something important to tell her, and it wasn't something nice," Arthur said, his voice becoming softer with every word he spoke.

Merlin's hand came to rest on Arthur's knee. He knew he might be taking a huge risk, but he couldn't help himself; he wanted Arthur to feel connected to someone, less lost on the sea of emotions he was trying desperately to navigate. He wanted Arthur to know he knew what it was like.

Of course the sea he was trying to navigate was rather more unpredictable and dangerous than the one Arthur was on. He had the memories he was certain needed to be awoken in Arthur to make sure the former King of Camelot could understand what he was here to do. And he had to keep it all a secret until Arthur was ready to know it all.

"We ended up strolling along the streets for a while, and she was so happy. I almost told myself I shouldn't tell her tonight. That it could wait until the next time we saw each other. But deep down I know it had to happen now. I had the courage, and I wasn't sure I'd find it twice," Arthur admitted.

The hairs on Merlin's arms were standing on end by then. What was this all about? It looked like this was very serious, but he had no idea where this was going. It scared him a little. Maybe he really didn't know Arthur anymore and this was the first sign in a string of them to show him that.

He pushed that thought away, though, focusing instead on the fact Arthur was there to talk about whatever had happened. That had to mean it couldn't be all that bad, else he'd have never even contemplated talking about it.

"When we finally settled in the couch in my living room, I told her we needed to talk. She was so surprised her mouth literally dropped open. But she said I should say what I had on my mind. And I did. I told her I'd been lying to her all this time. I don't like women. I like men," Arthur finally said.

Merlin wasn't sure how to feel about that. One part of him was elated; he stood a chance with Arthur, he was sure of that now. Things had just gotten more than a little easier. Another part of him was more than a little petrified about the new possibilities. After all, it was something completely different to keep something for your friend than it was to keep something from the one you loved. Even if said friend was still your one true love even after a thousand five hundred years.

"That can't have been an easy thing to tell her. I'd ask how she took it, but judging by your behaviour I'd say she didn't take it all that well. So I'll ask you something else: when did you figure it out?" Merlin wanted to know.

"I realised something had been missing from all of my relationships before. Not that I've been with that many people, but still. Until a few weeks ago, I contributed that to not being with the right woman. I'd started to notice I found some of the guys I saw attractive, in the way my other male friends found women attractive. I wrote it off as something they did but never spoke of and let it go. But then I watched this show about people coming out to their loved ones and one of the guys voiced exactly how I was feeling. It all slid into place then," Arthur said.

Merlin nodded, throwing caution to the wind and pulling Arthur against him for the second time that night. Unlike Arthur, he hadn't had to do more than play open with the people trying to be his friends. He hadn't been at risk of losing the friends he already had because he was gay, and he hadn't had to fear his family would not deal too well with it.

"Are you planning on telling your parents anytime soon? Or do you want to take a while to let it all sink in before you confront them with it? Or maybe I should start by asking whether you've even thought about that," Merlin said, inwardly cursing himself for not seeing that sooner.

Arthur was silent for a minute, breathing in and out a few times before he opened his mouth. The words that tumbled from his lips were soft, slow and slightly hesitating but very meaningful as well.

"I want to tell them this weekend. That way I have a few days to prepare for it, and I won't have enough time to lose my nerve. They deserve to know as soon as possible too. They need to be able to come to terms with it before I meet someone. Else, things might not go over smoothly," he finished.

The words were slightly muffled because Arthur still had his head buried against Merlin's shoulder, but they were understandable none the less. He tightened his arms around the blond, resting his chin on Arthur's head. It was a brave decision to make, and he was so proud of him. He wanted to tell Arthur that, but he wasn't sure the words would be enough. The hug would probably say more.

"Why are you being so supportive? Not to be rude or anything, but I'd thought you'd be a little more surprised. Even if you're, you know, you. But I can't tell you enough how grateful I am you're not pushing me away," Arthur murmured, pressing himself even further into Merlin if that were even possible.

"Because you're an amazing friend I couldn't do without and because I like men too. I thought you'd have noticed that by now. I was totally looking at that cute guy by the counter when we had breakfast together last week," Merlin teased, although he had only been ogling the guy in an attempt to make Arthur jealous.

Arthur turned a little so that his feet ended up on the couch. It was only then that Merlin noticed Arthur had toed of his shoes while they'd been talking. He smiled at the realisation Arthur felt so at ease around him that he could do that without feeling pressured to ask first.

"Maybe I did notice, a little. You've never really hidden it anyway. You just waited for the right time to say it out loud. A little like I did, I guess. And by the way? You're an amazing friend I couldn't do without too. You always know what to say to make me feel better," Arthur said, yawning at the end of the sentence.

Merlin knew he should let go of Arthur so the blond could get himself home and get some sleep. But he was very tempted to spend the night right there, with Arthur in his arms. That would be a tad too dangerous, though. He was certain he'd end up behaving exactly as he had back in the day and wake Arthur up by kissing him. And that could harm their friendship so badly there might be no preparing it.

There was only one alternative to letting Arthur leave that would be safe enough to suggest. The only way he knew the keep Arthur as close as possible without giving to much of his intentions away. He knew Arthur's eyes were closed, but he spoke anyway.

"Would you like to spend the night? I have a guest room that's very comfortable if you don't feel like heading home right now," Merlin said, keeping his voice as level as possible so Arthur wouldn't get suspicious.

Arthur mulled that over, the flicker of interest in his eyes not lost on Merlin when their eyes locked. He knew he was taking advantage of the fragile emotional state the blond was in and that that was the reason Arthur was thinking about agreeing to his offer. But he couldn't help himself, not after the talk they'd just had.

"Okay. I probably shouldn't be driving right now anyway. I'm not exactly at my best at the moment. A few hours of sleep should help me get my bearings back and it'll eliminate the risk of falling asleep behind the wheel. I'll crash here," Arthur said, smiling a little.

Merlin didn't speak anymore then. Instead, he pulled Arthur to his feet. He then led him up the stairs and to the end of the corridor, where he pushed open the door to the guestroom he'd spoken of before. It was right beside his own.

He gently pushed Arthur towards the bed, disappearing for a minute to retrieve one of his shirts and a pair of pyjama pants for Arthur to sleep in. He wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in his jeans, after all. Arthur bowed his head lightly in thanks, and Merlin nodded. It was all they needed. They were still communicating without words, much like they'd done when they'd first been together.

"Sleep tight. I have enough food to make breakfast for both of us and you're very welcome here, so don't worry about anything, okay? Just get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning," Merlin gently said.

"I'll be out like a log as soon as my head hits the pillow," Arthur predicted, making Merlin laugh aloud. He was sure Arthur was right. The yawn downstairs had been a good indication, as was the fact Arthur's eyes were already dropping close as they spoke.

Merlin then made himself scarce, letting Arthur get into the clothes he'd brought him as he walked over to his own bed. It was difficult not to rush to his aid in getting undressed; it was becoming very obvious old habits die hard, especially when the situation was so similar to the lead-in to their relationship the first time around.

"I really have to get over this, or I'm going to make a fool out of myself one of these days," Merlin groaned, barely succeeding in keeping his voice low enough not to be heard by Arthur. Maybe he should have taken the couch after putting Arthur in bed to create some more distance between them than a single wall, which felt rather thin at the moment. Then again, he'd have drifted up here to seek the closeness he had this way, there was no denying it.

Merlin sighed, turning onto his back. Nothing was ever easy. He'd learnt that a long time ago, even before he'd left Ealdor. Gaius, Kilghara and even Arthur had made sure he remembered that at all times by the things they'd asked of him and had done themselves in the years he'd known them.

When he turned onto his side, the warlock saw that the full moon was no longer right in front of his widow. That was a pity; the moon touching his skin was one of the things that made it easier for him to fall asleep. His magic responded to it as well, as the moon had always been important the those who practiced the Old Religion. Even in these modern times, Merlin still did that.

The warlock now closed his eyes, the fatigue drawing him in. The sweet pull of it was undeniable now. Arthur had been right before; work had been even more hectic than usual in the last two weeks. Add to that the fact he had still visited the children's ward and anyone would say it wasn't strange he was this tired.

He let his body relax, allowing sleep to weigh him down. It was a process he adhered to no matter what, and as always he felt the world disappear around him after mere minutes. He let it, the memories that always accompanied him into sleep rising to the surface as the darkness gradually deepened.

And that night, unlike in the previous years, they were more than memories. They were images of hope for the future as well. There was no way he was going to let go of that hope until he had no choice. And he was praying with all his might that he would never have to do that.

Because that would be the death of him.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur have become more comfortable around each other, and Merlin is reminded of one of the good old days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: After this one, there's seven more chapters to come. Thought I'd let you know. Thanks again to all those who've liked, read and reviewed. My heart swells with joy every time the numbers go up!
> 
> Disclaimer: I will never own Merlin. Unfirtunately…

**Chapter Six  
** _  
_   
_Soon it will all be over, buried with our past.  
We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love.  
  
_

**August fifth, 600 A.D.**

The sun was high in the sky when Merlin woke up. It wasn't at all midday height yet, but it was too close to it to ignore the fact it was getting late. He didn't open his eyes straight away, though. He as too comfortable for that. His head was propped on Arthur's chest, his hand resting on Arthur's abdomen. Arthur's arms were around him, keeping him close. Said arms tightened around him for a second, letting him know Arthur was no longer asleep.

"Have you been awake for long?" Merlin asked, his eyes fluttering open at last. It was very unusual for Arthur to be awake before he was. The King wasn't a morning person at all; it usual took Merlin the better part of an hour to get him up and about. Although it had improved a little since Arthur had become King.

"No, not really. And I had a good way to spend my time; I was enjoying looking at you. you looked so peaceful I didn't have the heart to wake you. You needed the sleep. Things have been crazy for you lately. Morgana made so many people sick that I didn't think I'd be seeing you until the week was over. I knew you wouldn't stop until you'd saved everyone," Arthur murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of Merlin's head.

Merlin shifted, claiming Arthur's lips in a proper kiss. He hummed into it, making Arthur smile. The King knew full well what kind of effect he had on Merlin, and the warlock was well aware Arthur was affected in the same way be his touched and kisses. He'd even admitted to it on a few occasions.

The knights had always claimed Merlin was the only one who could make Arthur do what they wanted, and Arthur had surprised them by saying they were right when he'd trained with them a few days ago. They'd been together for a few months now, and Arthur was growing more comfortable with their relationship with every day that passed.

Of course, Merlin had asked him why he'd let them in on something that was so personal to him. He'd immediately added that it hadn't made him uncomfortable or anything, but that he was simply curious.

"Because they're my friends, and if they accept me it doesn't matter what the inhabitants of Camelot think. As long as they respect me as their King, that is," Arthur had explained his actions, earning himself a kiss from Merlin while the warlock flung himself around his neck. It was the only thing Merlin had been able to do. For once, he'd had no words to say how he was feeling.

"We can't stay in bed all day. Lord George is arriving this afternoon and you have to prepare for your meeting with him. And I'll have to make sure everything is prepared for the feast we're having in his honour. You haven't been King for a long time, it's important you make a good first impression," Merlin said, not bothering to hide the regret in voice.

Arthur buried his head in Merlin's hair, mumbling something unintelligible. Merlin wasn't about to let that slide past him, though. They'd promised not to keep any secrets from one another after the while magic situation, and he wanted Arthur to keep being honest with him.

"What was that you were saying? I couldn't quite make it out," he teased, carding his fingers through Arthur's hair. It was only just long enough to do that effortlessly, but he enjoyed the feeling of it none the less.

"I said that you don't have to do that anymore now that you're the King's lover and eventual consort. You're not a manservant anymore," Arthur said, finally lifting his head so that his breath ghosted over Merlin's ear.

Merlin curled into Arthur even further, drawing an intricate drawing on the skin of Arthur's stomach. It was very tempting to stay there like that, to ignore the world and the responsibilities life brought and enjoy the love and peace they were sharing.

"I know, and I won't do all of the things I did before. But I need to help. It's my duty as the King's lover and eventual consort to make sure everything inside the castle goes smoothly. A Queen would have had the same duties," Merlin gently reminded Arthur, using the same words to refer to himself as Arthur had used before.

Arthur sighed, but didn't comment on what Merlin had just said. Instead, he let go of him and rolled away. Merlin mimicked the movements, only to the other side. He did, however, drop a kiss to Arthur's shoulder before they started dressing. That earned him a small chuckle.

"I'll have your clothes for the feast ready when you get back here to wash up tonight. I should have more than enough time to lay them out while you finish your practice. Oh, and your armour has been cleaned and your tunic's been mended; you can wear it to the practice grounds," Merlin said.

He secretly smiled when Arthur immediately pulled the green tunic out of his wardrobe. The blond loved it more than all of the others he owned, for some other reason. Merlin had never figured out why that was, and it intrigued him more than a little. One day, he would simply have to ask Arthur about it.

Merlin himself slid into a red tunic and a pair of brown breeches. They were of a far better cut and fabric than his clothes had been before his relationship with Arthur had deepened. He still felt a little uncomfortable with being able to have all of this while others who were just as deserving had to make do with a lot less.

But Arthur had said he needed the clothes, and his lover had been more than right. His old clothes had holes in them and weren't very warm. He would freeze to death in no time when winter returned if he didn't accept the tunics and breeches Arthur had had made for him.

"Will you watch the knights and I train today? I know you have a lot to do, but I like having you there. That way I only have to look at you to know you're safe. Because magic or not, I'll always worry about you when you're out of my sight," Arthur said, turning towards Merlin.

Merlin was still busy pulling his tunic over his head, so it took him a second to find Arthur's eyes. If he hadn't already been in love with the man, those words would have made him lose his heart to him in that instant. As would the mixture of love, trust and hope in Arthur's eyes.

"I know you like it, so I made sure I could be there. They're not expecting me in the kitchen until a little after noon, as they can handle luncheon by themselves. I'm only helping with dinner," he explained.

Arthur pulled Merlin flush against him when he said that, causing the raven haired man to giggle. It was something Merlin hadn't done all that often before Arthur and he became a couple. Now, it was as natural to him as breathing. The way Arthur changed him was sometimes scary in it completeness, but never because Arthur changed him in a bad way. Arthur made him a better person in every way possible.

Merlin extended his hand to Arthur, who immediately took it. Most Kings would have refused to let themselves be seen whilst being dragged around by a servant, but Arthur had no such qualms. He'd learnt that love was more important than what people thought, that his father had been wrong in assuming that the people (especially the servants) were worth less than the knights and the royal family.

Today, Gwen was nowhere to be seen. That was an absolute pity. Merlin had wanted to drag her out to the practice grounds with them. She had fallen hard for the charms of Lancelot, and he knew Lancelot felt the same way. He had decided to push them just a little so they could be as happy as Arthur and he.

Arthur had apparently noticed Merlin's gaze wandering around, because he squeezed the warlock's hand. The words he uttered were spoken so softly that no one except for the two of them would be able to hear them.

"She won't be back from the market for a while longer. I put her in charge of picking up the food we don't have here yet. I think she knows of your plan to get her and Lancelot together. Of, don't worry, she wants that too. She just thinks you should give them a little longer to figure it out without your help," he added when he saw Merlin quirk and eyebrow at his words.

Merlin's nerves settled a little upon hearing that. And now that he came to think of it, waiting a little longer might actually be preferable to meddling. If they worked things out themselves, it would be better for their relationship. It would make them stronger and able to lean on one another.

Before Merlin knew it, they were at the training grounds. Regretfully, he let go of Arthur's hand and walked over towards the small wooden stool he kept there. Arthur walked over to the knights, who were already gathered there. Gwaine waved at him, and Merlin returned the gesture.

After that, he turned his attention to Arthur again. The King was directing Percival to take his place in front of him.

Soon enough, the sound of swords colliding was the only thing to be heard. Except of course for the knights cheering both swordfighters on. Merlin knew Arthur liked the fact the knight would cheer for the both of them; on the battlefield, he said, they were all equally able. Even if they still had to take his orders.

Merlin intently watched the men. They seemed to be dancing instead of fighting, that's how fluently and gracefully they moved. They were lethal as well with those sharp blades in their hands, but that didn't change the way he felt.

"All right, pair up! I want to hear you all fighting, do you understand? When we're done, everyone should smell like the foulest opponent you've ever faced. I need to smell and see you've worked today. Ready? Start!" Arthur shouted, immediately moving in on Gwaine with his sword held at the ready.

Merlin watched as they began their fight, a dance that differed slightly from the one Arthur had previously been engaged in. And as he began to watch Arthur's feet and arms move, he knew he'd never grow tired of watching his one true love do anything. Not even if it was something as dangerous as this.  
  


**August eleventh, 2012**

"Merlin? Merlin, are you all right?" Arthur asked, the worry clearly audible in his voice as it washed over the man he was addressing.

Merlin shook his head in a way he hoped was imperceptible, trying to keep his face straight as he met Arthur's blue eyes with his own. He'd just spent a considerable amount of time lost in a memory that had been brought on by seeing Arthur wrestle with a large wooden branch. He'd been using it as a fake sword in his fight with Gregory and Simon.

Arthur had met the boys merely an hour before. Just like the last time, the blond had ended up on Merlin's doorstep unexpectedly. The boys had been there as well, and they'd been very curious as to who the visitor was. Merlin had offered to ask them to return home so they could have a moment to themselves, but Arthur had said that wasn't necessary. Then, he'd let the boys guide him out into the backyard to play with them.

Merlin had been sitting on a chair to keep an eye on all three of them, and he'd been reminded of a similar day he'd had a very long time ago. Only then, there hadn't been any children involved, there'd been knight with real swords involved.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just got lost in my thoughts, that's all. But that doesn't mean I didn't see Simon win the battle," he cheekily added, knowing Gregory would want a revenge and counting on Arthur feeling the same way.

The way Arthur's brow furrowed told him he'd been right in assuming that competitive streak had never left the blond. Just like his sense of justice and his anger when he was lied to had never left him. He'd discovered that when he'd tried to hide the fact he'd sprained his ankle last week. Even over the phone, Arthur had been able to tell he wasn't being completely honest.

"Then I suggest we have another fight and you pay closer attention. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the one who just won," Arthur said, sounding almost as young as the two boys he was playing with to Merlin's eyes.

Simon and Gregory giggled, pouncing on Arthur so the stick he'd been holding went flying. They tickled him, something Arthur hadn't expected. Beneath the weight of them and with their small fingers poking into his sides, the former King of Camelot was soon gasping for breath.

"Won't you… come and help me… deal with them?" Arthur asked in a broken way, all the while trying to hold both children at once despite the fact they were just about too big to really do that easily.

Merlin grinned, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. It should be more than enough to let Arthur know he'd started this battle and he'd have to find his own way out. The man was more than intelligent enough to figure that out. And it would probably spur him on to show Merlin exactly how well he could deal with the two boys. Arthur really hadn't lost his touch yet.

What Merlin didn't expect was for things to go quiet and to find himself being dragged out of his chair, straight onto the grass. Apparently, Artur had managed to capture Simon and Gregory and had persuaded them to join him in his attack on Merlin.

Merlin squirmed and laughed, halfheartedly trying to escape. He enjoyed playing with the boys and he wasn't all that ticklish, so it wasn't unpleasant at all. It was also very nice to hear Arthur instruct them on where to tickle him next.

But when Arthur joined in and touched his finger to the spot above Merlin's floating ribs, his breath caught in his throat. It had always been one of the most sensitive places on his body, and no one but Arthur knew about that. Simon and Gregory stopped tickling him instantly, their eyes flickering between the two adults. Arthur's eyes were on his, something dancing in them Merlin didn't dare to name for fear of being wrong.

The moment passed when Arthur extended a hand and helped him up off the grass, though, and Merlin smoothed down his clothes to avoid having to hold onto it any longer than he really had to. He didn't trust himself not to reveal his true feelings for Arthur if they stayed that close for much longer.

"Come on, boys. Your parents wanted you home for dinner and it's five already. You shouldn't make them wait too much longer. You can come back tomorrow. I have some new tricks to show you," Merlin said after a few seconds, well aware the silence was growing more unease as time ticked by.

The boys' faces lit up at the invitation, but they would have been back the next day one way or another. They were even more predictable than Arthur, and that was saying a lot. It was a relief the boys were good company to have, else Merlin might not have had this much fun on a regular basis.

Arthur followed them inside but stayed quiet as Simon and Gregory said their goodbyes. He waved at them when they left, but that was it. It had Merlin a little worried, though he stayed silent. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to bring whatever had just happened up. Arthur was obviously trying to deal with it, and being questioned about it most likely wouldn't help the process along.

Therefore, Merlin asked him something entirely unrelated. That way, he might be able to restart some kind of conversation and this wouldn't be awkward for much longer. That didn't mean he didn't have his fingers crossed almost in the physical sense as well as the figurative one, though.

"Are you staying for dinner? I have enough spaghetti to feed a small army, so you're more than welcome to. I'll have to freeze the rest of it anyway," Merlin said, gently smiling to let Arthur know he wasn't scared or fazed at all by what had happened when they were outside.

"I'd like that. I hadn't prepared on cooking, to be honest. I was planning on stopping at a take-out and eating that. It isn't the best food you can get, but it beats having to cook for a single person," Arthur offered, his head cocked slightly to the side.

Merlin nodded in silent agreement. He liked cooking in general, but it was a hell of a lot more fun when he did it for his friends as well as himself. It was a lot more rewarding that way, and he didn't have to freeze three quarters of the food at the end of the day. Because he never succeeded in making just enough for him alone.

"Oh, I could boil the spaghetti if you want me to. That way you don't have to do anything but set the table," Arthur suggested, sounding very hopeful for some reason. He desperately wanted to help, that much was obvious, but the reason eluded Merlin. He'd never seen Arthur like this, not this day in his second life and never in his first one.

"The pasta's on top of the kitchen cabinet near the sink and the pots are right over there. There's a pot of pasta sauce in the refrigerator. I made it this morning, so all you have to do is heat it. I'll be around if you need anything," Merlin grinned, brushing past Arthur to reach into the cabinet and retrieve two plates.

He knew it was risky, but unlike the first time around he didn't think taking risks was a bad thing. Arthur and he could have been together for a few more years had he not been foolish enough to think he would surely lose the friendship they'd built if he said something and Arthur didn't feel the same way. This time, he was walking the fine line between just enough and just too much.

He couldn't help but look over his shoulder as he placed the plates onto the garden table. Arthur looked so at home in his kitchen that it surprised him. It tugged at his heart, strengthening his resolve to keep soldiering on until Arthur remembered his past life and their relationship in it. This was progress, so there was hope.

He just hoped they would continue on this road of progress and that things wouldn't stagnate. Because he had no idea what he'd do then. All he knew is that he didn't trust himself not to use magic then.

And that could have disastrous consequences. That much the past had taught him.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin has convinced Arthur to come over for a movie night. He's hoping it'll bring them closer together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To all those who've been waiting for an update: I'm so sorry I'm only adding this chapter now. The entire story's written already, but life's been such a bitch lately that I couldn't find the time to simply post this. Really, you name it and it happened. Anyways, update should be regular again from now on as I've dealt with the trouble. Reviews are still very much appreciated, as is constructive criticism.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**  
Chapter Seven  
** _  
_   
_Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.  
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.  
  
_

Merlin stole once last glance at himself in the mirror. His hair was unruly as ever, but other than that he looked rather fine. The dark jeans and navy blue shirt with long sleeves he was wearing were neat but not overly dressed up. In his eyes, it was the perfect outfit for a night spent at home with the man he desperately wanted to seduce.

Arthur was about to arrive for a night of watching films and playing games. It was early October now, and Arthur had needed this night filled with distractions. His parents were still trying to accept their son would never bring home a girl, and despite the fact they hadn't been angry, he found it hard to deal with them being a little upset over it.

It had been Merlin's idea to invite him over, saying that there was no need to sulk on his own when they could have fun together. Merlin also knew that Fred and Myra would not need much longer to come to term with it all. And he didn't doubt they'd like Arthur's first boyfriend as much as they'd liked his former girlfriends. Deep down, he hoped he could be the one.

So far his gentle movements towards deepening his relationship with Arthur hadn't had much effect, though. He'd been touching Arthur more often, albeit almost unnoticeably. He'd let his finger linger on his wrist or hand a little longer than was normal, or he'd hugged him more frequently than was strictly necessary.

Truth be told, he probably should have made it a little more obvious if he'd wanted Arthur to realise where he wanted to take things. But it would be Arthur's first relationship with another man if they started a relationship, and that would freak him out just a little. He hadn't wanted to scare him off.

And therefore, he was taking things as slowly as Arthur was comfortable with. If he could make him see this wasn't going to get him hurt, then there was a good chance they could be very happy in the end. He had waited for so long that it wouldn't be impossible to wait for a few more weeks or even months. Difficult, yes, but not impossible.

Descending the stairs, he quickly went over his mental list to make sure everything was ready; he didn't want to have to ran around all the time. He wanted to focus on Arthur and let the blond focus on him. That way, there would be more progress to be made, for both of them.

He hadn't been downstairs for more than five minutes when Arthur arrived. It was seven on the dot, exactly the time they'd proposed to meet. Merlin was not that surprised. Despite being hard to rouse, Arthur was in fact a very punctual man. That was probably due to having had a myriad of rules to obey all his life, punctuality being one the rules Uther had insisted not be broken.

"Hey, you. Are you ready to leave all that's bothering you on the doorstep and come in? if you need any more enticing: I have freshly made popcorn," Merlin teased, knowing it was one of Arthur's favourite film snacks. He'd discovered that the first time they went to the cinema two months after they'd met.

"I'm more than ready, you don't need the popcorn to persuade me to step in right now. Although it does help," Arthur shot back, having grown comfortable enough to start teasing Merlin in return over the last few weeks.

Merlin moved aside to let the blond in. Immediately, he let his eyes roam Arthur's form. He was wearing a pair of tightfitting black jeans combined with a dark red shirt and black leather jacket. The cut was perfect for him, as was the darkness of the attire, only interrupted by the red shirt. He looked absolutely divine.

Arthur flopped down on his sofa, picking up the pile of DVD's Merlin had laid out. There were drama's, comedies, romantic films and tragedies. In other words, there would definitely be something in there to hold Arthur's attention. And if he couldn't decide straight away, there were board games and the likes standing at the ready to keep them otherwise occupied for a while.

Arthur immediately settled on a film, though. The blond waved the box containing the DVD around excitedly, nearly literally hopping up and down. Merlin approached him with a smile on his face, glad to see Arthur this happy over something as trivial as being able to watch a movie he liked.

"I want to watch Sliding Doors. It's a little older, but it's an amazing film. Have you seen it before? I mean, you having it doesn't mean you have; it might have been a gift you forgot you had," Arthur explained his question, even though there really wasn't any reason to.

Merlin had never watched the film, but he knew what it was about. A woman, Helen, was fired and rushed to make it to the train. The audience then saw both possible futures she could have being shown in a parallel way. If she caught the train, she would meet a man called James. Upon returning home, she would find out her long-term boyfriend was cheating on her. If she missed the train, she wouldn't see her boyfriend's mistress leaving the house and she wouldn't meet James, so her relationship would continue.

This story was hitting a little too close to home for Merlin to watch the film without seeing the similarities between Helen's life and his. He too had a future would be shaped by a single discovery or the lack thereof. If Arthur never figured out who he was, then whatever the world needed him to do would remain undone. It could also make Merlin's life very difficult, as it would become more and more obvious he knew things about Arthur he really shouldn't know. The blond had already remarked on that a few times, and he'd barely been able to dodge the questions.

If Arthur did find out, there would be a lot of explaining to do. Not in the least, of course, about why he had kept this a secret from Arthur. There was no telling how that would go, there were simply too many variable to take into consideration. Which was the one and only reason Merlin hadn't let himself go there just yet. It would only lead to sleepless nights filled with worries, and he had no interest in that whatsoever. He had enough to worry about already with Arthur.

"I haven't watched it yet, no. I don't even remember where I bought it. Can you believe that? I do know what it's about, though. I think I'll like it too. If that's the film you want to watch, go ahead and pop it in," Merlin said, pushing the lingering doubt to the back of his head.

Arthur did as he'd suggested while Merlin strategically placed the basket filled with popcorn on his lap. That way, Arthur would have to lean into him to get his snacks. Maybe that would make him see how enjoyable it was when they were close together, and he might start thinking about the reason for that. It was a small push in the right direction, and the biggest one Merlin was comfortable giving him.

When the blond sank down beside him, they were so close their legs touched. Merlin let his hand fall to a spot right beside Arthur's, hoping the other man might be tempted to take Merlin's hand in his own. It would be the first time Arthur would be the one to instigate that kind of touch. Merlin had done it before, taking Arthur's hand in his to drag him over to threshold and into the house. Arthur had never protested, so Merlin had taken that as silent agreement.

"Why haven't you ever watched it before? If you own it, then there must have been a reason for buying it. It wasn't a nasty break-up or something, was it? Because then we're definitely not watching it," Arthur said, sounding so determined that Merlin couldn't help but laugh.

"No, it's nothing like that. I bought it because the whole idea that your future could completely change because of one decision instead of only changing a little had me intrigued. And then I started working at the hospital and moved here to be closer to work. Somewhere between all the work and the unpacking of my boxes, I forgot I even had it," he said, actually telling most of the truth.

Arthur seemed to be okay with the explanation, because he tucked his feet beneath him on the sofa and reached for the popcorn. His arms lightly brushed Merlin's before he pulled away. He felt Arthur's eyes linger on him for a second, and he had the feeling Arthur was trying to determine whether he was uncomfortable with the touch. Merlin therefor pretended to subconsciously drift closer to Arthur.

Arthur had a small smile on his face now, his blue eyes twinkling brightly. Could it be that he hadn't been convinced Merlin was flirting with him before? Could it be that Arthur was finally gathering his courage to start making his own moves?

Merlin inwardly shook his head. Arthur needed more time, he made that clear with everything he said and did. It was nothing more than wishful thinking, brought on by the memories of close to five years spent in each other's arms in a different life. He needed to curb his enthusiasm, or else he'd risk never getting to the same point with this version of Arthur, even if he should begin to remember things about his past soon.

Actually, it was strange Arthur hadn't had any dreams or visions of his time as King Arthur yet. Merlin had cooked things that should have reminded him of his favourite foods, he had taken Arthur on walks in the oldest part of the woods of the country to reawaken some memories of the hunting trips they'd gone on together. And then, he hadn't event touched on the fake sword fight Arthur had had with Simon and Gregory and the way Merlin always knew what Arthur was thinking. Those should have been a few rather large triggers.

Maybe Arthur just wasn't ready yet. Merlin had done part of his residency at the psychology ward at the hospital and he had seen patient that had blocked out entire days to protect themselves from the pain that had been inflicted on them. After a while, the memories gradually returned. Perhaps something similar was happening to Arthur. After all, it wouldn't be easy to realise he had had an entirely different life and family before, in a castle that had long since disappeared.

Because Camelot had been gone for a thousand years. Gwen had done her utmost best to ensure Camelot's endurance, but after her reign, things had drastically changed. There had been fights for the throne, all of the original Knights of the Round Table passed away and the new Kings had only sought to enlarge their territory; the people and the protection of the lands they already possessed were bested by their ambition.

Five hundred years after Merlin had left Camelot, the once great Kingdom was no more. The ruins had been overtaken by nature. Grass, flowers and weeds covered the once proud stones. No one beside Merlin even knew where the castle and other houses lay buried beneath the earth. Camelot had been a place of splendour and safety under Arthur and even under Guinevere's reign, but after Gwen had passed there had been little of that left. So it had lost its importance even before the passing of time tore it down.

The film suddenly didn't seem quite as interesting or even unnerving anymore. About half of it had passed by now anyway, and Merlin hadn't seen any of it. He'd been too caught up in the unexpected drag from the past.

Merlin curled into Arthur, the basket of popcorn tipped precariously on his lap. He hated this, the fear and insecurity thinking about his past could so easily make him feel. He knew it was because he had lost everything except Arthur for good and that he was afraid Arthur would end up following despite being he Once and Future King. But that didn't make it any easier to accept.

One of Arthur's arms snaked around him immediately, although his eyes never left the screen. It was obvious he was unaware of the emotion turmoil Merlin was, in and the raven-haired man was grateful for it. He wasn't in the mood to ditch up yet another lie, especially not to the man he'd vowed not to lie to over a millennium ago.

Arthur's semi-embrace was enough to calm him down somewhat, though. The tension drained from his form bit by bit, and his hand came to rest on Arthur's chest. Things weren't exactly going as planned, but maybe they didn't have to. Because Arthur was still at ease beneath his touch, no boundaries were being crossed.

Slowly, Merlin's eyes began to close. The situation had been demanding so much of his time and energy that he slept whenever he could. He tried to fight it, though, because it wouldn't do to literally and figuratively fall asleep on Arthur. The man might think Merlin thought he was boring, for pity's sake!

But he quickly found he shouldn't have worried at all. Arthur's hand came to rest on top of his, squeezing Merlin's fingers lightly. The blond softly drew circles on Merlin's skin, which entranced the warlock more than anything had ever done. When Arthur spoke, his voice was so soft Merlin had to strain to hear it.

"It's okay, Merlin. Go to sleep. You obviously need it. I promise I'll hold you for a while," Arthur murmured, his free hand coming up to toy with a strand of Merlin's unruly hair. The gentle tugging was so very Arthur that Merlin smiled through the ever deepening sleepy haze he was tumbling into.

He still tried to stay awake, though, wanting to enjoy being this close to Arthur for as long as possible. He hadn't had the opportunity before, and he would be damned if he was going to give it up without a fight. He hadn't had a choice in so many of the things that had come to pass, but in this he did have one.

"Not yet. I don't want to go to sleep yet," he mumbled, vaguely aware of the fact his words were hard to understand and that Arthur was chuckling slightly. The only reason he knew that was because the man's chest moved beneath his hand.

Eventually, however, he had to concede that the fight was futile. The world was disappearing from around him at a rapid pace, the fatigue becoming heavier than any cloak he'd ever worn. He was dragged further and further down, his breathing becoming slower and evening out.

The last thing he registered before he lost the battle against sleep was a soft pressure to the top of his head. For a second, he thought that Arthur had pressed a kiss to his head, but he decided his mind was playing tricks on him. After that, there was only peaceful slumber without thought.

He did wake up a little later, though. He was being carried up the stairs. If it hadn't been for him recognising the very unique smell of the person holding him in his arms, he'd have screamed. As it was, he simply curled his hand into Arthur's shirt as the man walked over towards his bedroom.

Merlin tried to reach for the blankets himself when Arthur gently deposited him on the bed, but with a soft hushing sound Arthur pushed him back down. Then, he tugged of Merlin's shoes and placed them by the bed. His jeans followed. He left his shirt on, though, probably because it would be warmer.

"Thank you," Merlin mumbled as Arthur tucked the covers in around him. His eyes flickered open with great difficulty, but he wanted Arthur to know he wasn't talking to a figment of his imagination.

"You're welcome. Besides, you'll make up for it by preparing breakfast in the morning," Arthur grinned. Then, he bent over to place a soft kiss on Merlin's forehead. His lips were slightly chapped from the cold weather, but that didn't make the sensation any less pleasant. In fact, Merlin hummed slightly.

Because this time there was no mistaken that the kiss had been real. It was undeniable proof Merlin had only thought that he'd been wrong in assuming Arthur was falling for him. And with that beautiful thought in his head, Merlin fell into the first fitful sleep he'd had since he'd literally run into Arthur at the Farmer's Market.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Arthur goes in search of a new shirt for Merlin after spilling something on him, he discovers more than Merlin thought possible. Things begin to shift drastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To make up for making everyone wait so long between the last two updates, I decided to put up another chapter already. I want to thank everyone who's liked, read and reviewed so far. You guys absolutely rock!
> 
> Disclaimer: I only play with the characters, I don't own them.

**  
Chapter Eight  
** _  
_   
_'Cause though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore._   
  


"Arthur? Are you okay? You've gone awfully quiet in there. Should I be worried?" Merlin called out, only slightly concerned. Arthur had stepped in the bedroom to collect a shirt for him; he'd spilled some soup onto it as he'd filled a cup for Artur and one for himself, and Arthur had suggested he get him a new one as Merlin had done all the work so far.

That hadn't been entirely true, but Merlin had relented anyway. Arthur needed to feel useful, and if this helped then he would let the man raid his closet for a shirt. There wasn't anything there Arthur shouldn't see, so there wasn't any risk to it. And it did spare him a trip upstairs, which was a nice bonus.

But Arthur had been there for nearly ten minutes now, and that had him slightly worried. He hoped the blond hadn't fallen and injured himself, or nothing else had happened to keep him from coming back down.

Since Arthur didn't respond, Merlin walked up the stairs. If the blond couldn't or wouldn't come down for some reason, then there was no choice but to go up. He was certain he hadn't said something wrong, so he was pretty sure he would be able to help. He only prayed he wouldn't have to use his medical skills to help him.

Arthur didn't even step into the hallway when Merlin stepped onto the creaky last step. The sound was too loud not the hear, so either Arthur was ignoring it or he was unconscious. Despite neither one of those scenarios being good, Merlin knew which one he preferred.

His heart was beating faster than normal, his fear not being put at ease by him focusing on the most positive of the two possibilities. He tried to breath regularly, but he failed miserably. His pace was a lot quicker than normal as well as he crossed the hallway to his bedroom.

When he pushed open the door, Arthur was standing in front of the wardrobe. That was where Merlin had expected and hoped to find him. The black shirt that was slung over Arthur's shoulder was also something Merlin had expected to see, both because he owned quite the collection of black shirt and because it was so very like Arthur. What he hadn't expected was to see Arthur holding the green tunic that had belonged to the blond back in the days of Camelot.

His breath caught in his throat. He should have known this was bound to happen one day. The first few times he'd made sure to stick around while Arthur grabbed a shirt to sleep in if he'd forgotten his pyjamas. But over the last month, he'd been neglecting that duty; he'd known the man for five months now, they were close to starting a relationship and he trusted him.

At this moment, though, he wished he'd been a little more apprehensive. Touching something that had belonged to him in his first life could easily have triggered a memory that was stronger than Arthur was ready to handle. He should have taken the tunic out and started keeping it somewhere Arthur was not going to go, for example the attic.

But he was moving faster than he should. It could be that Arthur hadn't recalled something from the past but was simply surprised Merlin had something like that in his closet. It was obviously old, and no one else would have that in their house. But unless Arthur turned around, Merlin wouldn't be able to guess what was going on inside the former King of Camelot's head.

"Arthur? Please don't go all quiet on me. Talk to me, tell me what it is so I can fix it," Merlin said, trying desperately to keep the pleading note out of his voice. He didn't succeed entirely, but it was better than it could have been and that would have to do for the moment.

His voice sounding so close brought Arthur back from whatever place in his mind he'd retreated to, and Merlin let out a sigh of relief. He'd feared he'd have to physically shake Arthur to get his attention, and that could have done more harm than good. Especially if the last thing Arthur wanted right now was for anyone to touch him.

"I dreamt about wearing this tunic. The dream was too fuzzy to remember, but this tunic was in it. I couldn't get the piece of fabric out of my mind for days after it had happened. I even drew it in an attempt to forget about it. It didn't work. And now I find it in your closest. What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Arthur asked, his voice sounding too harsh and insecure. The words were unlike any the blond had ever used before and they felt like a slap to the face for Merlin.

It looked like the time had come to face the past. Merlin wasn't sure telling Arthur who he really was would turn out to be the best thing to do, but the only other option was to not say anything. If he did that, he would be in big trouble when those dreams became harder to forget. It might cost him their friendship, which he wasn't willing to sacrifice.

He walked towards the bed, settling down on it. Arthur joined him, settling so close to Merlin that there wasn't even enough space for him to place his hand between them. Therefore, he folded his hands in his lap. He wanted nothing more than to settle on of them on Arthur's knee, but he also understood this wasn't the time to take risks.

"That's because the tunic you're holding has belonged to me for a very long time. And before you ask, no, I never wore it when you were around and you couldn't have seen it in my closet before today. You found it for a different reason," Merlin began his story, his voice trembling a little.

Arthur was looking at him, but the warlock couldn't meet the other man's eyes. He was unsure and scared, and he wanted to hide that as much as possible. Arthur would need a strong shoulder to lean on, something only he would be able to provide once he'd finished his tale.

"You remembered that tunic because it belonged to you before it came into my possession. I can't even begin to guess what your dream was about, but the tunic was the least dangerous thing for you to remember. It was a lead-in to more telling dreams, dreams that would finally tell you something you have had the right to know since the day you were born," Merlin said.

The silence that fell over them was an uneasy one. Arthur's eyes widened to an almost comical extend, but there was a mixture disbelieve, fear and something akin to despair in them. Not at all what he'd hoped. He would have to deal with all of those emotions, and he was praying he would get that chance.

"What do you mean that tunic was mine before you got it? I've never seen it before, and I'd remember if I had," Arthur pointed out, wrinkling his nose in something like disgust. Merlin's heart sank into the ground. Arthur would have had a point if this had been an ordinary situation, and Merlin would have a hard time explaining why this wasn't one.

"Normally you would have. But it's been as long since you've seen it as it's been since it came into my possession. One and a half thousand years, to be exact. Over a millennium," Merlin said, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. The small twinge of pain he felt as he bit down was lost in the greater myriad of emotions coursing through his body.

Arthur's mouth dropped open, his hand immediately coming up to cover it. Merlin waited patiently for him to regain his bearings. There was a good chance he would run out and never come back, but he couldn't do anything but he honest. Lying by omission was lying as well, after all.

"I'm not almost a thousand five hundred years old, Merlin. No matter how old I might look at times. It's physically impossible. And I have pictures of myself as a baby. How could I have those if what you're saying is true? And besides all of that, it's just plain crazy," Arthur finished.

His voice had a warning tone to it. Merlin knew he was on the verge of walking out in the assumption Merlin was barking mad, so he needed to act now. And that meant doing the only thing that might work. If that failed, he would have lose whatever chance he had to make this work. Instead, he'd either have to pack up and move. Arthur wouldn't want him in his life anymore if he was certain Merlin was berserk.

"Do you know the legend of King Arthur? I know it sounds meaningless, but it has everything to do with this. So please, answer my question. Do you know the legend of King Arthur?" Merlin repeated, keeping his voice as steady as he could, not breaking eye contact this time.

The question surprised Arthur so much that the man simply cocked his head as he pondered it, almost forgetting what he'd been thinking about before. Merlin was glad for the reprieve; it have him the time to gather his wits about him and formulate some kind of plan to deal with whatever came next.

"Uh, yeah, I know a bit about it. Arthur was born to Uther and Igraine. Igraine was married to Gorlois of Cornwall before she married him. Arthur had a half-sister named Morgana. There was another woman, Morgause. I think she was a sister of Morgana's or something. When Uther died, Arthur took over as ruler of Camelot. He was trained by a sorcerer named Merlin. The King married Guinevere in the end, a princess. She cheated on him and he had her burnt at the stake for her infidelity. Arthur eventually died at the hands of Mordred at the battle of Camlann. Merlin then sent him off to rest on the Isle of Avalon until his country needed him again," Arthur finished, frowning as he spoke.

It was the version of the legend most people knew, and Merlin was bot glad and not to hear it. He had hoped Arthur would have read some of the others version as well and would have alluded to them. It might have made it easier to touch on one of the most difficult topics in this conversation.

"The legend you just cited isn't entirely correct, and we of all people should know that. Guinevere, or Gwen as we called her, was not a princess. She was a servant girl to your half-sister Morgana. Morgana wasn't Igraine's daughter with Gorlois, she was Uther's daughter. Her mother was Vivienne, Gorlois's wife. When Gorlois died, she most likely went into hiding and Uther took Morgana in. Your father loved the girl with all his heart. Gwen didn't cheat on you; she never got the chance. You found out you loved men, more specifically the young man who was magic, before that could happen. But you did die at Mordred's hand. I tried to save you, but I failed. I indeed sent you off to Avalon and awaited your arrival. _You_ are King Arthur, Arthur. And I'm Merlin, the same as in the legend," Merlin finally said, glad he had this all of his chest.

Another silence fell between them, and the tension it brought with it was thick enough to slice. Merlin's eyes closed for a second, the emotional onslaught too harsh to withstand. Nothing he'd envisioned or predicted was of any use to him now. It was frustrating and it made him angry.

"I'm out of here. I can't believe this… I should've seen you were completely of your rocker as soon I met you. God, I can't believe I got myself into this mess…" Arthur muttered, standing up and taking a step towards the door.

Merlin reacted on instinct, clasping the man's hand so tightly he knew it would hurt. He then used part of Arthur's momentum to drag himself off the bed. Arthur's eyes were ablaze with an inner fire Merlin had only seen a few times before, and each of those occasions had been in his first life.

"Please, Arthur. I know you think I'm crazy. I would think that too if I were you. But will you give me one last chance to prove I'm telling you the truth? It's all I ask. If you still think I'm a liar after this, you can go. I'll move and you'll never see me again. I promise you that," he said, forcing himself to say the words even though they hurt.

Arthur didn't immediately pull away, but Merlin did let go of him. He didn't want to put any more of a strain on the man than he really had to, considering this was difficult enough as it was.

And there was no certainty whatsoever that his plan would work. There was only hope, and he held onto it as tightly as possible. The spell Kilghara had given him the day he left Camelot might work here. In all these years, he'd never used it. He'd found Arthur without it and he'd thought he would never need it. But now, his instinct was telling him to utter those ancient words.

"Give me your hand. It won't take long and it won't hurt, I promise. But I'm not sure it'll work if I'm not touching you, which is the only reason I'm asking you to do this. I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it was important," Merlin said, holding out his hand.

Arthur took it, surprising Merlin by linking their fingers together. Somewhere deep down there was a part of Arthur that still trusted him, and that made Merlin's resolve to make the spell works grow even bigger. He wouldn't abandon Arthur; he'd promised that a long time ago. And leaving him to deal with this on his own and without any way to find him when he realised Merlin had been right would be abandoning him.

"Ábeþecedest mín oþres dæl," Merlin said, his eyes turning into pools of gold as they always did when he used his powers. He only knew they did that because he'd seen it in the other users of magic he'd met back in the day. Arthur had been so awed when he'd first seen it that he'd stared at Merlin's eyes all day afterward.

But that wasn't what mattered now. What mattered was whether or not he'd been right in assuming this spell had never just been meant to find Arthur, but had also been meant to help him discover the memories of his previous life that were buried so deeply.

Merlin could feel Arthur tense, the blond man's grip on his hand becoming uncomfortably tight. He didn't let go, though, knowing the spell was working. He feared putting an end to that, so he stood ramrod straight as he waited for Arthur's muscles to relax.

When they did, Arthur's eye flew open. The fear that bad been there before had multiplied ten times; it had drowned out every other emotion that had been there before. Merlin decided that holding onto Arthur was the only option now. The blond needed to know he didn't have to do this alone.

"This really is true… It's true… I'm King Arthur… Good Lords…" the words kept tumbling from lips, barely indistinguishable. His chest rose and fell irregularly, and too fast. He was hyperventilating, and Merlin needed to act quickly.

He pushed Arthur down on the bed, gently pressing one of his legs between Arthur's. As soon as the blond spread them, he guided Arthur's head down between them. To prevent Arthur from rising, he kept his hand on his neck.

Fortunately, Arthur was soon breathing normally again. Merlin let go of him, but as soon as Arthur got to his feet, he doubted that he'd made the right decision. Arthur had to walk part of the road alone, though, the part where he accepted all of this. Merlin would always be there, but he could only fill in the blanks for him and support him.

"I have to go," Arthur said as soon as he was on his feet. He was already looking at the door, which told Merlin that there would be no way to stop him from leaving. He looked oddly like a caged animal. Merlin had seen enough of those the know it was a very accurate description.

However, closer assessment of the situation revealed he wasn't trembling. He didn't seem dizzy or disoriented, so that was a good thing too. There really was no reason for Merlin to keep him here if Arthur didn't want that. Not to mention that the space and time to think were probably exactly what Arthur needed. He really had to put the part of him to rest that was screaming he shouldn't let Arthur go.

"I know. Just promise you'll call me to let me know you've arrived home, okay? And whenever you want to talk. I have a bit of a clue as to what this is like, even if I never had to deal with reawaking memories," Merlin said, stepping aside so Arthur would see his path was free.

Without uttering another word, Arthur left. The only indication he gave that he had even heard what Merlin said was the small nod he gave before exiting the room. Merlin had hoped he'd be given more, that he'd be given a small sign that things would be alright in the end. But he'd simply have to live with it.

He'd also have to learn to live with the fact it would be a while before they saw each other again. And all those days would hard on the both of them, even though neither one would readily admit to it.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what's happened in the last chapter, Arthur's feelings have been all over the place. Toninght, Arthur's mum's on the phone with Merlin because Arthur's disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, this story is really nearing the end now! Another four chapters to go and it'll be done. I hope you'll enjoy reading this chapter as much as I liked writing it. It's probably my favourite chapter of the entire story! Please leave me a review to let me know what you think about it. constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin, the series would still be running. Which means I don't own it, obviously.

**  
Chapter Nine  
  
**   
_Hey! Don't listen to a word I say.  
Hey! The screams all sound the same.  
Hey! Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.  
  
_

Merlin blinked stupidly a few times before realising what the sound was that had awoken him. His mobile phone was ringing and buzzing. It was an annoying mix, which never failed to get his attention. That was the most important reason he'd installed the horrible song, the other being that it was an upbeat mix that made it impossible to fall back asleep when he was called at night.

Not that that happened all too often. He had a special phone for work, and he rested at the hospital when he was on call. It was only when they were a doctor fell ill and they needed someone on short notice that they would call his personal phone, and only after they'd called his other phone first.

"Merlin speaking," he said as soon as he managed to push down the right button on the phone. With years of practice under his belt he succeeded in keeping most of the fatigue from creeping into his voice. It was still lower than usual, but only just. He was certain someone who didn't know him wouldn't even notice it.

"Merlin? My name is Myra. I'm Arthur's mother. I'm sorry for calling you this late, but I wanted to ask you whether Arthur's there. He was supposed to come here tonight, but he never showed. At first I thought he might have gone out with some friends and had forgotten about the time, but you're the last one on the list and none of the others have seen him. Please tell me that you have. He's been behaving rather odd lately, and I'm really worried," Myra rambled. If she'd have spoken any faster, Merlin wouldn't have been able to make out the individual words at all.

He was already getting dressed by the time she told him who she was, though. His instincts had gone into overtime and had warned him he had to get out of bed as soon as possible. Since he'd used his instincts more than anything to use his magic, he'd always trusted them. Even if there had been a few occasions on which he hadn't been sure why they made him do certain things. One of those occasions had been the moment he'd listened to his instincts and had ignored Kilghara's warning that Mordred, a boy who was barely seven, should die if Arthur were to live.

"I'm sorry, Myra, but he isn't here. But I know a few places he could be. Why don't I go have a look there and have him call you if I find him? If it's me who calls you, then we'll figure out our next move together, okay? But don't worry, we'll have found him in no time," Merlin assured the distressed woman.

"Thank you. I didn't know who else to call. None of the others volunteered to find him," she uneasily admitted. In the background, Merlin could hear Fred grumbling. It warmed his heart to know Arthur had a loving family instead of the one he'd had before. He'd hoped his friends would turn out to be more like the knights had been in those days.

As soon as she hung up, Merlin rushed down the stairs. The speed at which he did that would have made anyone watching feel sick with worry, but he wasn't even aware he was doing something dangerous. His magic would protect him and he needed to get to Arthur as soon as possible.

Picking up his car keys, Merlin made a mental list of places Arthur might have gone to. It was obvious to him that the blond was struggling with the newly awakened memories. They'd talked briefly over the phone a few times, and Arthur had admitted that he'd seen images of his father and the lower town of Camelot, as well as some other places he couldn't name yet. Merlin had offered to name them for him, but he'd said that he preferred to do this on his own as much as possible.

Merlin assumed Arthur had gone to one of the placed that reminded him of the ones he'd been seeing in his dreams for the last month. There were still a few of those around if you knew where to look for them. Merlin was all too aware of that; he'd searched for them since the news Camelot was no more had reached him. Deep down he'd wanted to say goodbye to the people and places he'd left behind, and he'd had to make do with the best substitutes in the end.

The only problem was that the list was lengthy, with places scattered all over England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland and even along the coast of France. It was ironic that Albion seemed to have gotten more scattered than before when Camelot and Arthur disappeared into the legends.

But he had some ways of shortening the list. The place would have to be relatively local and easy to get to. The darkness wouldn't allow for a long journey by foot and Arthur had a job to return to in the morning. He wouldn't want to risk getting himself hurt or lost, as he wouldn't be able to explain all of this to the police or a doctor in any way.

"I think I have just the place to start looking for him," Merlin said out loud to himself after a few minutes of thinking. By that time he was at the car, so he slid in and started it. He usually wen there by foot, but that took almost two hours. There was no way he was letting that much time pass before he reached Arthur.

He turned on the radio to keep his mind from wandering as he drove. He needed to keep his bearings about him. Arthur would need him to be strong, so that is what he would be. If he gave in now and cracked, there wouldn't be enough time to get himself back on track. And that was unacceptable in this situation. He needed to be the one Arthur could rely on, it was the only thing he could be.

Still, his knuckles were white from the strength he was using to hold on to the steering wheel despite his best efforts. He'd have sore fingers later too, but as long as he looked relatively in control things would be fine. It was the way things had been before as well. He only needed to be strong enough to shoulder part of the weight Arthur was carrying, not all of it.

A few minutes later, Merlin parked his car beside a strip of trees. It was off the beaten path, and very few ever ventured into these woods. Rumour had it they were haunted, which served to keep most of the children away. Most of the visitors were teenagers looking for some fun and excitement. And even they didn't hang out here all that often considering that they all claimed to have felt some strange kind of presence here when they returned home.

Merlin of course knew these woods weren't haunted. The Goddess of the Old Religion simply still had a firm grip on these lands, one she wasn't about to relinquish. There weren't all that many of those places left, and Merlin knew they'd end up completely disappearing from existence one day. But he kept praying they wouldn't reach that point for a long time to come.

He now set foot on a small path leading into the woods. The smell of wet grass, leaves and mud welcomed him in. Whenever he came there, he usually felt right at home when the scents of the woods wafted up into his nose, but this time, it was quite the same. He wasn't sure it would ever be.

"There's not going to be a single other soul out here. Anything I see or hear will definitely be Arthur. Now the only question is: where exactly is he? This place is enormous. That might have been part of the attractiveness of it. It would have screamed seclusion, which he's been looking for these last four weeks," Merlin quickly assessed the situation.

He turned around, pondering where he should start. One wrong decision and he wouldn't find Arthur, even if he was there. They could easily miss one another if they didn't happen to stumble across one another by accident. Of course he could use his magic, but in this day and age it was safer not to. Even if there was no one around. People didn't believe in magic anymore, and showing them it was real could be very dangerous.

Fortunately, his heart was as good a guide as any, possibly an even better one, even. There was a lake here, a rather large one at that. Camelot had had two lakes that were similar to this one, so it wouldn't surprise him to find Arthur at the side of it. It might be the closest he could come to feeling like he was back in Camelot at this time.

The walk towards the side of the lake didn't take Merlin more than a minute or two. As soon as he was close by, he saw a flickering light a little further down. It looked like a fire, one very much like the ones they'd made together when they were out hunting. Whether that was because Arthur hadn't thought of another way to keep warm when he came here or because he'd wanted to replicate a certain memory, he didn't know.

He hoped Arthur would eventually tell him, though. It might give him a means to establish a line of communication. If Arthur didn't tell him, he'd have to try and throw him a line. He wasn't sure how far said line would go, but it was better than sitting idly by; he'd never been good at that.

He knew the crunching of the fallen branched beneath his feet would let Arthur know he was approaching. The man would know it was him, their connection was still strong enough for that. And if it failed, then Merlin would protect himself. It had been that way for over a thousand years.

"I hadn't taken you to be one to sneak up on people in the dark. Then again, warlocks are known to be very good at that kind of thing. I just wish I had some memories to tell me whether you are the same. It would make deciding whether to turn around a little easier," Arthur said, his voice easily carried by the cold wind.

Merlin also heard the slight hint of a teasing tone below them, though, and realised Arthur wasn't angry he was there. He was a little upset, but there was no bite to his voice. If there had been, Merlin would have kept his distance. Now, he walked over and sank down beside the blond.

"You will remember all I got up to with and without you in the end. It'll just take a little longer for those memories to drift up, most likely because that will make you feel the most connected to Camelot emotionally. You're probably not ready to make that much of a link with your past, even if you think you are," Merlin told him, letting his head come to rest on Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur slung his arm around his waist, playing with the leaves on the floor with his free hand. Merlin waited for him to continue talking, as it seemed the blond was eager to. He had all night if need be, and he wouldn't let anything interrupt their conversation once it got started. Except for the call to his mother Arthur needed to make.

"Yeah, but the others aren't as nice. At least not all of them. The memories of Uther… of my father… they're filled with a lot of pain. I see us disagree, I see myself doing things I don't really want to do because he asked me. Why is it that those are the first to drift to the surface? Why can't there be more memories of us, good ones like the new memories we're making now?" Arthur asked, sounding more than a little whiny.

"We used to be in a romantic relationship, Arthur. That's different from the relationship we have now. Maybe you're less than ready to accept that things were not as they are between us once. It's normal that something that vital to who you were would take the most trouble to deal with," Merlin said, squeezing Arthur's knee.

He wasn't all too happy with the explanation, but it fitted. They were every bit as close as they had been before they started dating in Arthur's previous life, but they weren't there just yet. The outline was the same, but the drawing wasn't quite finished yet.

"But that's the one thing I am comfortable with, you and me. It's the one thing that doesn't freak me out. Having had a half-sister and another father and never having known my mum in my other life, that's what hard to accept!" Arthur ground out harshly, his free hand curling into a fist and hitting the ground.

Merlin gasped, forgetting all about his resolution to let this be all about Arthur. He hadn't expected Arthur to say that at all. If he hadn't been sitting, his knees would have given way right then and there. Arthur had noticed his reaction and now brought his hand up to cover his mouth.

"Did you mean what you just said? Are you really more okay with us having been together over a thousand years ago than you are with having had another family? Because I thought you might be a little scared by my knowing so much about you, of my knowing so many things you don't about Camelot and its inhabitants. Too much so to want to be together just yet," Merlin said, shifting to be able to look at Arthur.

Arthur cupped Merlin's cheek. He brushed his thumb along Merlin's bottom lip almost as if he didn't realise he was doing it. Merlin kept his mouth shut, not wanting to break the spell of the moment. This was too precious to risk wasting.

"I've been ready since the moment I tucked you into bed that one night. I just didn't think I should be too pushy. And then this whole 'you're King Arthur and I'm Merlin' thing came up and I needed to figure that out. Else, I'd have done this long ago," Arthur breathed, capturing Merlin's lips with his own.

The kiss was gentle and sweet, but with a hint as to what would come in the future. It made Merlin's head spin, and he groaned at the loss when Arthur finally pulled away. The blond man's hand stayed where it was, though, telling Merlin Arthur didn't regret this. It made the nerves that were starting to flutter in his stomach calm down instantly.

"We'll have to start doing this differently from now on, you know. I think it's time for you to tell me about all the things you've seen so far. Then I'll help you make sense of them. It'll make it easier for you to work through it all. And maybe then you can start to remember all the fight we had, the ways we made up and how we got together. Because I'll tell you anything except that. It has to be as special for you this time as it was the first," Merlin grinned.

Arthur's smile was just as goofy as his undoubtedly was, his eyes twinkling just as bright as well. Merlin realised he hadn't been expecting anything like that and he was glad he'd unknowingly given Arthur what he'd been looking for: support and love, two things he'd had to miss for a long time in his first life and that he feared he'd lost in this one.

"Now tell me, what brought you out here? Your mum was so worried she called me, and you're lucky I had this place down at the top of the list of places you might have gone to. I think I deserve an explanation. And after that, you have to call her. I promised I'd make you, and I intend to stick to my word," Merlin sternly told Arthur, although he softened the words by pressing himself into Arthur's side.

Arthur toyed with his hair for a while, not saying anything. Since the blonde hadn't refused to answer the question, Merlin knew he was just looking for the right words to explain it all. He allowed his eyes to close as he waited. Not because he was tired, but as an outward sign of trust.

"I came here because there's a lake that's been haunting my dreams and it looks exactly like this one. In this dream, I'm setting up camp beside it with two other man, all three of us clad in chainmail. You're not in the dream, but I know that you're not far away. No matter how often the dream returns and how often I hear the conversation, I can't remember their names. I don't even know whether they were Knights of the Round Table or not. I hoped that coming here would trigger some more memories. It hasn't, though," Arthur sighed. At the same time he stopped twirling Merlin's hair around his finger.

"You're right, I was there. I was collecting firewood whilst you were setting up camp. I don't know what you were talking about; you fell silent right when I returned. But I could tell you the men's names, if you'd like. Or their exact positions at your court," Merlin suggested in a low whisper.

Arthur contemplated that for a second. While the blond did that, Merlin reached into the pocket of Arthur's pants to retrieve the man's phone. He gently pushed it into his hand. He knew this conversation wouldn't continue for much longer, and he didn't want Arthur to forget to call his mother. She'd sounded like such a dear over the phone that Merlin really wanted Arthur to put her mind at ease.

"I'd like that, both of those things. I think figuring it all out on my own is going to be too much to even try. And if I'm supposed to help my country in a time of need I might not have as much time as it would take," Arthur said.

Merlin pushed that thought away. One of these days he would no doubt find out why Arthur had come back now. But until then, he would not worry too much about it. Destiny had its ways of making sure whatever needed to be done was done. There was no running from it. So there was no need to really dig into it; it would all reveal itself in due time.

"Their names were Gwaine and Lancelot. They were Knights of the Round Table. Gwaine liked to joke around a lot and Lancelot and Gwen were madly in love. Gwaine never failed to help you keep the men's spirits up. He was strong, and the only one braver than him was you. Lancelot was the most noble of them all. He once said I should have been knighted instead of them; he said I was the bravest of them all and you didn't even realise it. It wasn't true, though, you showed him that a little later. But I think that's enough for now. You'll have enough to think about as it is. Go call your mum. And tell her I said hi," Merlin added, getting of his feet so he could give Arthur some privacy.

He was loathe to let go of Arthur, but he didn't want to intrude any more than was strictly necessary.

As Arthur called Myra, Merlin decided it had been a good night considering all that had happened. And he hoped there would be some more nights of exploring the past. Even if he prayed they wouldn't happen in the woods then. At least until it was summer again. Winter nights were too cold to spend outside, even of the first snow hadn't fallen yet. And he was sure Arthur would agree with that.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur is woken up by another dream, but this time the conversation he has with Merlin afterwards is different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is a sad chapter, I'm afraid. Fortunately, there's some goodness in it too, though. To all those of you who are following or have reviewed or liked the story: you guys absolutely rock! Please leave me a review to tell me whether you loved or hated the chapter and why. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing has changed, I still don't own Merlin.

**  
Chapter ten  
  
**

_You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear.  
All that's left is a ghost of you.  
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do.  
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.  
  
_

Merlin's eyes darted over the surroundings restlessly. He needed to find a cave or another place to hide; Morgana was still on the loose and she was too close. Especially since Arthur wasn't in any state to move quickly.

The blond had been growing more heavy in Merlin's arms for the past hour. The warlock had used his magic to staunch the bleeding somewhat, but the spell hadn't been nearly as effective as it should have been. The entire side of Arthur's tunic was soaked, the blood had even seeped into the left leg of his trousers and his left boot. Arthur was breathing more heavily as well, something else that had Merlin worried.

But unless he found a secure spot there was not much else he could do but keep moving. He had no desire whatsoever to face Morgana, not before he could make sure Arthur would be fine. He needed to be able to focus solely on her when they met. The raven-haired woman would have to fight her hardest to stay alive when that happened. She had helped Mordred get to Arthur. Without her, the Druid-boy would never have made it this far. She would have to pay.

"Come on, Arthur. Stay awake. You can't go to sleep now. You might never open your eyes again if you close them now. Stay awake," Merlin repeated, the urgency in his voice growing with every word. The fear that was taking a hold of him was overwhelming, threatening to take his breath away.

Kilghara had predicted that Mordred would be the one who killed Arthur, and it seemed the Druid-boy was getting a good chance at making that prediction come true. Merlin had refused to believe it at first; Mordred had only been seven years old at the time, it had been too hard for him to see such an innocent child grow up to be a murderer.

Merlin snorted. Kilghara had also said that Merlin should be careful with his desire to see the good in everyone; the Great Dragon had said that it would cost him more than he cared to lose in the end. And that prediction had also come true. He'd lost Lancelot because he'd trusted even the Cailleach had had a sliver of good inside her. He'd refused to see how evil Morgana truly was because he couldn't believe she was all bad. Therefore he hadn't been able to help her and had lost her as well.

"I'm… I'm trying," Arthur ground out, a touch of anger seeping into his voice. The King wasn't used to being dragged around by others unless he'd lost consciousness in a fight, so this was something he wasn't at all used to. It was obviously annoying him, and he didn't know what to do about that.

"That's all I'm asking, love. Just tell me what I can do to make it easier on you. It might be a while before I can heal you up properly and I don't want you to give in. Not even for a second, do you hear me? You will get well again as soon as I can have a good look at you," Merlin promised.

The trees around them were too close together for Merlin's liking. He couldn't see all that far ahead, or in any direction for that matter, and his skin was tingling. Morgana was close, he was so certain of that he could practically feel her eyes on them as they staggered onward.

Merlin could feel his muscles beginning to protest against whatever movement he made. Arthur was a heavy load like this, unmoving and hanging over Merlin in a less than easy to handle manner. Supporting him when he'd sprained his ankle was one thing, supporting all of his weight was something else. Merlin might be more muscled than anyone might guess, but Arthur and he were about the same height, which complicated things in a situation like this.

Suddenly, Merlin noticed the rocky wall to their side stopped for about six feet. Maybe it was the entrance to a cave, maybe it was a ravine. Whatever it was, though, it would provide some sort of shelter, which was all they needed. Once they were there, Merlin would have a chance of using more powerful magic to make Arthur's wound close.

"Just keep moving. That's enough to… to make me stay awake. It hurts terribly…" Arthur said, the sentence broken and so soft it was only just audible over the breeze that was playing through the leaves.

Without giving his lover any warning, Merlin pulled at the man. Not missing a single step, he turned sharply towards the opening he had set his eyes on. Arthur groaned, muttering something unintelligible under his breath as soon as he managed to draw in some air. Merlin didn't have to understand what he said to know it wasn't anything nice.

When they reached their destination, Merlin was relieved to find it was a cave that didn't penetrate the rock wall very deeply. To make sure it was safe, he sent in an orb of light to illuminate the rock chamber. It turned out to be empty; there weren't even any signs anyone or anything had been there in a long time.

Merlin dragged Arthur in, propping him up against the wall as soon as possible. Before Arthur had even spoken a single word, Merlin was in his knees in front of his lover. He began to undo some of the straps keeping the armour in place so he could reach the wound itself. Hours had passed since he'd last tended to it, and they'd been outside that whole time.

As he feared, the wound was starting to become a little infected. It was still bleeding profusely as well. Merlin immediately tore a strip of fabric from his tunic to make some kind of bandage. It was the only thing he had, and he needed to buy himself some time to sort through the spells he knew. He had to err on the side of caution, and that meant he couldn't rush.

Fortunately, he had an idea where to start and how to do that. He took Arthur's hand in his and brought it up to the blond man's chest. He then pressed to down so hard Arthur screamed in agony. Tears began to trail a path down Arthur's cheeks, and Merlin felt himself begin to cry as well. But there was no choice.

"Keep that on the wound. Press down as hard as possible. I know it hurts, but you can't lose any more blood. You've lost too much already. If that continues, you might grow too weak for the spell to work very soon. And I'm not sure there's much else I could so. Apart from calling Kilghara," Merlin said, hoping the threat of surrendering Arthur to the Great Dragon would be enough.

Arthur didn't open his eyes, though, and the tears kept streaming. Merlin wiped the salty drops on his own face away. He then placed his hand over Arthur's and uttered the words he hoped would bring Arthur some relief.

"Orlegweore sé réadnes," he intoned, his eyes flashing golden before returning to their normal blue colour. Arthur didn't speak or move, so Merlin's eyes immediately focused on the wound once more.

The spell had had no effect, just like the first one he'd used. He let his head drop to Arthur's shoulder, although he was careful not to aggravate Arthur's injury or cause his any more pain. Arthur lifted his hand to lightly cup Merlin's head, though, not caring it forced him to let out another strangled moan.

"Morgana must have hexed Mordred's sword. It's the only reason my magic wouldn't work. I need to know what spell she used to find out what I can do to heal you. Else, you won't make it," Merlin said, his voice muffled by emotions and Arthur's tunic.

"You'll figure it out, Merlin. I believe in you. You've… You've done much more difficult things in the past. And… you can always count on… Kilghara to help you," Arthur wheezed, the odd paused even more present than before. He was obviously growing worse very quickly.

He had, however, given Merlin an idea. The Dragon might indeed be able to help. As a creature of the Old Religion he didn't simply have magic, he _was_ magic. The difference was that every fiber of his being had been made with it. He had even been brought into the world by magic. Merlin was magic too, only in a slightly different way since he wasn't a dragon.

"You're right. I have to call Kilghara. He will know what to do. He's helped me so many times before and I trust him. He'll be here more quickly than anyone else as well, which is another good reason to call on him," Merlin said, pushing himself away from Arthur.

They would have to reach the end of the forest one way or another before he could call upon his old friend, though. Or this part of the woods would never be the same again, and he couldn't let such beauty be destroyed. He voiced his concern to Arthur.

"Let's get… moving than. I'm about ready to… starts screaming again, and… I'd rather have a good reason… for that. I am the King of Camelot… after all… no matter how far away… from my subjects I might be," Arthur ground out.

Merlin had to bite how tongue not to point out that having a very deep, bleeding gash across your chest and stomach was a more than good enough reason to scream in agony. It would only make Arthur mad, given the state he was in, and that would make him lose even more blood.

Merlin hoisted Arthur up as carefully as possible, feeling the blond grab on to his shoulder to aid in staying on his feet. It didn't help much, but it was something. Before, he hadn't been able to lift his arm enough to do that, so maybe the spell had had some effect but not enough for Merlin to see it.

Arthur's fingers curled into his shoulder painfully as soon as he started to walk, though. It was enough to make Merlin grimace. The blond was playing pretend, but his mask was slipping quickly. It was testimony to how badly Arthur was really doing. Time was running short.

Ignoring the bite of the thorny bushes littering the forest floor was a task on its own, but Merlin's focus was on making it to the other side of the forest. It shouldn't be that much further; if he remembered the maps of the area he'd seen correctly, they had another half an hour to walk.

Before they'd made it ten feet from their starting ground, a crack sounded somewhere to their left. Merlin immediately let go of Arthur with one hand, and Arthur reached for his sword. Even in this state, Excalibur would prove his worth should the need arise. Only, Merlin wasn't too sure it would do much against the enemy they were about to face.

"Hello, Morgana. I didn't think you were one to hide. Then again, I have been known to be wrong. You should ask your half-brother about that. He's the one who used to say that. I'd hate to see you prove him right after you've been trying your hardest to prove him wrong on ever other account," Merlin said, not bothering to hide the challenge behind the words and letting his voice carry further than normal.

He lowered Arthur to the ground, hearing Morgana step out from behind a tree. He spun around so fast the soil beneath his feet sprung up. That was the only reason he saw she had her hand outstretched towards Arthur and was opening her mouth to speak.

"Scield!" Merlin thundered, creating an invisible barrier for whatever spell the sorceress was hurling at the man on the ground. His word drowned out hers, so he could only guess what it was she'd said. It didn't matter now, so he focused on the look on Morgana's face. It was one of pure evil.

"So you're magic! A man of magic was at Camelot all these years, letting Uther kill his own kind? I wonder whose heart is darkest out the two of us, Merlin. I'm not entirely sure it's mine," she grinned wickedly.

Merlin let the remark slide off his back immediately. He wasn't proud of having sat idly by while so many were killed. But he'd more than paid the price for that; he'd suffered more than enough. And he'd had to, in order to fulfill his destiny. Kilghara had told him that. The Great Dragon had been a great help and pillar of support in those days.

"I did it for Arthur. He's my destiny and I couldn't let Uther ruining my part in Arthur's destiny and life. I'm not just a warlock, Morgana. I'm Emrys. And you shouldn't have angered me. Now, I have no choice but to show you exactly how powerful I am," Merlin's voice rang through the air.

After that, he lifted his hand. He could see Morgana preparing to use her own magic. But he knew she would fail. He wasn't planning on using his magic per se, and she wouldn't know until it was too late.

"fléoge, beaduléoma," he yelled, and Excalibur flew through the air. The sword punctured Morgana's abdomen and stayed still, floating in the air. Her eyes were wide with fear and disbelieve, as they should be.

Merlin approached her, taking the sword's handle into his hand as soon as he could. Then, he pulled it up and twisted it so it punctured her heart. Morgana sagged against him, her last breath leaving her in a great rush. He pushed her back harshly, making her tumble to the ground.

There were tears in his eyes, but he brushed they away. He'd never truly killed before. The woman who had tried to kill Arthur when he'd first arrived in Camelot had died a while later because of her injuries, and only because Uther had refused to let Gaius treat her. This was his first kill, and he felt terrible because of it.

When he turned towards Arthur, the man was lying on the floor with his eyes closed. His chest was hardly moving, his face was three times paler than when Arthur had turned to face Morgana.

"No! Arthur! Arthur, wake up! Wake up!" he shrieked, running towards the blond. It was to no avail, though, because Arthur didn't even flinch. He felt hot to the touch as well, telling Merlin the infection he'd noticed before had taken a strong hold with the help of the magic Morgana had given Mordred.

He grabbed Arthur and managed to lift him into his arms completely. Staggering, he moved south, knowing the edge of the forest wasn't all that far away anymore. he was still breathing, his heart was still beating. If he was fast enough, Kilghara might still be able to help.

Within ten minutes, he stepped out of the woods. Quickly, he laid Arthur down. His chest was moving even more slowly by then, and his heartbeat was hard to find. Part of that was because Merlin was so nervous his hands were trembling too much to do things properly, but he was certain the other part was because the man's heart was slowly giving up.

"O Dragon, e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!" Merlin called, not letting go of Arthur as he begged Kilghara to come. His hand was splayed over Arthur's heart for fear it would stop if he took it away.

True to himself, Kilghara arrived within the first minute after Merlin had called him. As soon as the Great Dragon saw the two men, his eyes closed. Merlin knew what it meant even before Kilghara landed fully and began to speak.

"I'm sorry, young warlock. There is nothing you or I can do. His time has come. All I can offer you is one last chance to say goodbye," Kilghara said, the profound sadness he felt clearly audible in his ancient voice.

Merlin's blinked back another wave of tears threatening to fall at those words. If this was the end, then he would say goodbye to Arthur with his head held high. That's the way they'd entered this fight, and that's the way Merlin would end it.

"Do it," he said to Kilghara. The creature of the Old Religion bowed his head lightly before bringing his snout close to them. His breath washed over them as he wordlessly released his magic.

Arthur's eyes fluttered open. They wandered around aimlessly, which told Merlin he couldn't see him. He pushed his regret about that away, caressing the blond man's face. Arthur leant into him, unconsciously knowing who was holding him.

"I'm sorry, Arthur… I can't save you. I waited too long, I should've been happy with tending to you out in the open instead of looking for a safer place. It didn't do us any good. I should have done things differently. Will you forgive me?" he asked, not bothered by Kilghara being around to hear the plea.

When Arthur spoke, Merlin understood Kilghara's magic was making it easier for him to speak, since his sentences weren't broken up like before. However, there was no change in his slow, uneven and too superficial breathing pattern or the fact his heart was beating too slowly.

"No, Merlin. I won't forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive. We could both have died if you hadn't dragged me to the cave before using your magic. And I would never have forgiven myself for that. This way, at least one of us can continue. The stronger one of us," he smiled, squeezing the hand Merlin still had over his heart.

"No, Arthur. You were always the bravest. Lancelot was wrong when he said that was me. You confronted your father when you discovered you liked men. You refused to let your life be dictated by anyone. And you never feared my powers. I closed off, pretended I liked women and kept my magic a secret. All out of fear," Merlin pointed out.

He settled on the ground, making Arthur comfortable between his legs. The blond kissed his jawline immediately, trying to convey without words how wrong Merlin was. They'd never needed words, they always understood what the other wanted or needed.

"I'm tired, my beloved. It's time to close my eyes. Will you tell me that you love me one more time? I would love for that to be the last thing I hear before I die," Arthur said, no sign of fear in his face or voice. Arthur Pendragon had always been courageous, and this was the first time Merlin didn't think he was too courageous for his own good.

"I love you. I always have and I always will," Merlin said, honouring Arthur's last request. It wasn't hard to do, and the words hadn't lost their meaning despite having been used a million times before.

"I love you too," Arthur said, a smile spreading across his face as he wove his fingers between Merlin's to further their connection. Merlin brought their hands up to kiss Arthur's knuckles and then softly pressed their lips together in the last kiss they would ever share.

Arthur's released one last breath that ghosted over Merlin's lips. Then, his eyes closed and his heart stopped. Arthur was gone, his life had come to an end. Merlin wanted nothing more than to cry, but he wouldn't do that in front of Kilghara.

So he waited until the Great Dragon took his leave before succumbing to his grief. By the time the tears stopped, the sun had set and the stars were twinkling in the skies above. But that night, Merlin didn't pay them any attention.

The only thing he paid attention to, was the body he still held in his arms when the sun rose to indicate the start of a new day.

**December twenty second, 2012**

That was where Merlin finished his account of Arthur's death, trembling a little even after having had so many years to come to terms with it. Arthur was rubbing his arms in an attempt to help him deal with the onslaught of emotions the story had evoked.

"Wow… That must have been so hard on you. I'm sorry for putting you through this… I shouldn't have dropped this on you without any warning. I can such an idiot sometimes," Arthur groaned.

Merlin smiled at the choice of words, feeling the unease and fear that had reared their ugly heads as he told the story abide.

"I understand. No one knows about their own birth or death. Those moments in our lives are always told by another. And I used to call you an idiot, prat, clotpole or a dollop head all the time, you were never too happy to hear me use those words. That might have been because you didn't know I used them with the best intentions at the time," Merlin said, taking Arthur's hand in his own.

"Maybe we should have a conversation about that next. Because I have no idea why you might have used any of those words, apart from 'prat', when referring to me," Arthur said, smiling as well now.

And Merlin settled in more comfortably as Arthur tried to persuade him to elaborate. He would definitely make him work for it. Perhaps it would have positive consequences for the both of them.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Merlin to meet Arthur's parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Meeting the parents is always interesting. But in this case, it's even more so. To my faithful followers, readers and reviewers: I wouldn't know what to do without you! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: Merlin is not mine, and it never will be.

**  
Chapter Eleven  
  
**

_No, wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around.  
I'll see you when I fall asleep.  
  
_

"Are you sure you don't mind, Merlin? I mean, it's the first time you'll be meeting my parents and they'll be asking so many questions they'll have driven you insane before dinner's even served. You might not want to spend the night after that anymore," Arthur spoke from the bathroom.

Merlin shrugged into a white shirt. He was already wearing a pair of dark blue trousers, and he'd desperately tried to tame his hair for the umpteenth time. He wanted to look his best when he met Arthur's parents for the first time. They'd been together for four months now, and they'd suggested Arthur bring him over. Merlin had jumped at the opportunity when Arthur had told him that.

Arthur had seemed thrilled Merlin had accepted the invitation. He'd admitted that he'd never introduced Isobel to his parents, so Merlin would be the first boyfriend he introduced to his parents as well as the first lover in general to meet Myra and Fred.

However, all of that had changed when Myra had called to ask whether Merlin wanted to spend the night when they came over and he'd told Arthur about that the next day. Arthur's parents lives a few hours away, and since they were only meeting them at seven, it would be easier to spend the night than to drive home around midnight. He'd explained that to Arthur, and the blond had wordlessly shrugged and left it at that. So Merlin had called Myra to tell her he'd accepted the offer.

"Of course I'm sure. I would have told you by now if I wasn't. You shouldn't worry so much about this; I'm a big boy, love, I can handle whatever question they decide to throw at me," Merlin assured Arthur, using the pet name he'd given him during their first life together.

"I'm not worried, I was just making sure you understood what you're getting yourself into," Arthur indignantly said, although there was a hint of a different emotion there Merlin couldn't name. The warlock could hear Arthur turning on the tap and rummage around in the drawers as he pondered what it was he'd detected a hint of.

Failing at that, he decided enough was enough. Arthur had been behaving oddly all week and they were meeting his parents in three hours. This had to end now, or there would be an awfully big chance dinner would not pass by as uneventful as Merlin was hoping. And that would surely break Myra's heart. The woman had been the one to arrange all this, although Merlin knew Fred had given his full support. Arthur's father had been more than glad Merlin had brought his son home after Arthur hadn't come home a few weeks earlier.

He walked towards the bathroom door and leant against the doorframe, catching Arthur's eye in the mirror when the blond rose after rinsing his mouth. Arthur looked oddly like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, worrying his bottom lip and gingerly placing down the toothbrush.

Merlin stepped in then, letting his chin come to rest on Arthur's shoulder and sliding his arms around the blond man's waist. Arthur's hands covered his own when Merlin linked them together before pressing them into Arthur's abdomen lightly. It was a sign Arthur wasn't shutting him out, which he was grateful for.

"What is it that's bothering you about me spending the night at your parent's house? I don't have to if you'd rather I didn't. I won't feel offended if you ask me to come back here, you should know that by now. We both decided to take this slowly, and I would totally understand it if you thought spending the night at your parents place is too soon," Merlin said, hoping Arthur would realise the truth if those words.

Arthur turned around in his embrace, taking one of Merlin's hand in his to drag the raven-haired man over to the bed. Merlin let the blond do as he pleased, knowing from experience Arthur would speak in his own place and time but would clam up if he was pushed to do so. Some things really did never change.

The blond got comfortable on the bed, pulling Merlin down onto his lap. Merlin placed his knees on either side of Arthur's legs, ascertaining that he could properly look at the blond. He firmly believed a picture spoke a thousand words, so he wanted Arthur to be able to see him.

Arthur's fingers were gripping onto his hips so hard that it was more than a little uncomfortable and likely to leave him bruised, but he held his tongue. Arthur would only feel worse than he already was once when he pointed it out. Besides, he wasn't intentionally doing it. The former King of Camelot was just struggling to keep his emotions under control, his grip would loosen soon enough.

"I don't think you shouldn't stay at my parents' house tonight. Please don't think that. I like having you close. It's sort of become the one thing that's been keeping me sane, what with all the dreams and all. But… the thought of being that close to you there scares me too. You see, I've been dreaming about you a lot lately," Arthur admitted, a slight blush rising in his cheeks.

Merlin smiled, touching his boyfriend's cheek lightly. This was an opening he could work with. As Arthur let his hands drift up to his ribs, Merlin pressed his lips to the blond man's forehead. It was something he'd used to do before Arthur fell asleep in the days of Camelot. He was sure he'd start doing it again once Arthur began spending his nights in his bed instead of in the guestroom.

"Really? I know I'm good-looking and hard to forget in your opinion, but I had no idea I featured in so many of your dreams. Care to explain to me what it is we do in them? Or is that too personal for now?" he teased, leaning back a little again.

Arthur playfully swatted at him, and Merlin easily caught his boyfriend's hand in his. Arthur was less tense already, so he had no doubt this was going in the right direction. It seemed he wouldn't have to push or prod to figure out what had been on Arthur's mind all these days. That meant they wouldn't be getting into a fight because Arthur thought Merlin was being too curious. That hadn't happened yet this time around, but there had been a few of those instants the first time.

"It's nothing like that, darling. Okay, most of the time it isn't," Arthur grinned as he played with a lock of Merlin's hair. That was another one of the things about Arthur that hadn't changed. "I just keep dreaming about us being out on hunting trips together. About the talks we've had. But most frequently of all, I dream about the first time you nearly died on me. The time you drank a goblet of wine that had been meant for me but that had been poisoned. Each time I wake up drenched in sweat and I call out for you, because it's all so real that it's like I'm there," Arthur softly admitted.

Merlin remembered swallowing the wine all too well. He'd been so out of it that most of the images he had of those hours were still hazy, but he had some very clear memories about it as well. Especially of the orb of light he had created to save Arthur, and of the way he'd tried to talk to him. He hadn't realised he was doing that out loud though, he'd heard that from Gaius after.

Something else he'd had to hear from Gaius was that Arthur had willingly risked his life to retrieve the flower that would save him and that he'd been thrown in the stocks because of it. He'd never let on that he knew about that, though, since he had been sure Arthur would deny everything.

"Well, that's unpleasant to say the least. I guess the only reason I haven't heard you yet is that I sleep like a log. And I can see why my spending the night at your parents' house might complicate matters. If they hear you call out for me and I'm in the house as well, they might get the wrong impression," Merlin said, praying he had picked up on the exact reason why Arthur was uncomfortable with the situation.

Arthur pulled Merlin close, and the warlock returned the hug straight away. Arthur had never been this physical before, and Merlin had deduced that it was because he was the more insecure one this time around. The blond needed the reassurance Merlin wouldn't walk away at the first chance. It was getting easier, but Arthur wasn't quite there yet.

"Yeah. My mother might not actually come knocking and step in to see what's wrong when you're around and it's your name I'm uttering. And I'm not sure my father and she would like the idea of us making love, even though they have accepted my liking men," Arthur said, his head not moving from Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin tugged at the hair at the nape of Arthur's neck to make the blond lift his head, though. They needed to figure out what to do; if Merlin had to, he would tell Myra and Fred he'd changed his mind. Arthur's happiness and his feeling okay with the speed they were moving at were more important than Merlin's own feelings. He'd spent so many years waiting that any step forward was more than worth it.

"Tell me what to do. Tell me what you'd prefer. And don't think of me for a change, Arthur. You thought of me with every step of our first relationship because you were most at ease with who you were. This time, it's my turn to be strong. Lean on me," Merlin said, leaning his forehead against Arthur's.

For five years, Arthur had been the one to battle Merlin's insecurities. The former King of Camelot had bravely faced his subjects and his knights to show Merlin their love meant more to him than anyone else's opinion. Now, he would do the same.

"Actually, I'd love it if you'd stay the night. Knowing you're close by and safe makes it easier for me to deal with the dreams. The thought I could simply push open your door and see you breath as you sleep peacefully makes my heart beat less fast. And I can go back to sleep like that," Arthur told him.

Merlin threaded his fingers between Arthur's, allowing his eyes to flutter close for a moment. The words were so heartfelt, so gentle that it took his breath away. Another genteel nod to the life they'd had before, where Merlin had walked quite the similar path of discoveries with Arthur.

"It would be my honour to spend the night, then. And feel free to stick your head in should the dreams haunt you again tonight. I probably won't even hear it. And if I do, I won't mind one bit. I've had the urge to check on you during the night as well," Merlin easily admitted.

Arthur finally smiled, looking a lot more like his ordinary self. He lifted his hand to Merlin's cheek again, brushing along the skin with his thumb. Merlin covered the hand with his own, pressing into the touch. If he had his way, he would never let go of Arthur again in his life. Instead, he voiced what had been on his mind for a few days now.

"There is one things you should know, though. I'll be letting your mum know I'm making waffles for breakfast. Else, I'll feel like I'm imposing. And yes, I have an ulterior motive: I want them to like me even more than they already do when the night is over," Merlin teased, kissing Arthur as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

Two and a half hours later, Merlin pulled into Arthur's parents' driveway. He'd bullied Arthur into letting him drive, saying that Arthur might be too nervous to make the drive without getting distracted. Even after the talk they'd had, Arthur had still been trembling a lot when they stepped into the car.

The drive had been an uneventful one. There had been a few contemplative silences, but mostly they had discussed their work schedules for the next week, trying to find a date to meet. Besides that, they'd sung along to the songs on the radio and had laughed at each other's attempts. Merlin's voice was above par, but he liked joking around a little. Arthur enjoyed that a lot.

As soon as they stepped out of the car, Fred opened the door. Arthur had obviously expected his mother to be the one to greet them, as he tensed a little. Merlin could see Myra moving around behind the kitchen window, and he knew Arthur wouldn't take long to notice. He was still as perceptive as ever.

"Come on in, lads. Dinner's about to be served, and we don't want to keep the lady waiting. She's been so excited about getting to see her son and his boyfriend that she's been hovering all day. Best to calm her down somewhat before she loses it entirely. Because that's not the sight we want to have you see on your first visit," Fred grinned, pointing in Merlin's general direction.

Merlin sniggered, dragging Arthur along towards the door. The blond still wasn't moving of his own accord, so he would have to be his guide for a little longer. He didn't mind, though. He just hoped Arthur's parents wouldn't find it too out of sorts for their son, as that would have them worried. Tonight should be enjoyable to all of them if things went well, and Merlin would do his utmost best to assure they did.

"Walk through to the living room already, Merlin. Myra and I'll be out soon with the food. Get yourself settled and think about what the both of you'd like to drink. That way Myra won't be endlessly running around during dinner," Fred said, gesturing in the direction Merlin should walk in as soon as they were in the hallway.

Fred then disappeared through a door to his right. Arthur was pulled out of his trance at last and pulled Merlin into the living room. There was a huge table at the far end of it, indicating it was used as a dining room as well. Arthur walked up to said table and ushered Merlin down beside him. The plates had been set and the cutlery laid out, and a single flower was standing in a vase at the middle of the table. It was so utterly domestic Merlin already felt at home.

A look around the room revealed a myriad of family pictures. Some had obviously been taken in the back garden, others were clearly made during vacations abroad. On all of them, Arthur was smiling happily, be it on his own, beside one or both of his parent or one of his friends.

Merlin had always hoped to be able to have a room like that as well, but since he'd never had any pictures of his true parents or the place he was born, he'd given up on that soon enough. It was a balm to his soul to know Arthur did have these physical reminders of the love and protection his family and friends provided him with. And Arthur had even snapped a few pictures of the warlock when they'd been at the farmer's marker last weekend. It had been a very pleasurable experience.

Soon enough, Fred and Myra danced in. They were each carrying a pot, one containing potatoes and the other holding broccoli. Fred darted out after depositing his first load, returning with a pan full of fish. The smells were divine, and Merlin's mouth began to water. Fish was one of his favourite foods.

"This smells better than anything I've ever eaten before," he admitted, smiling when Myra handed him an overflowing plate. He hoped Arthur had mentioned he didn't have any parents anymore, because explaining that wasn't something he felt up to doing. It seemed he had, because Myra merely smiled.

For a long while they ate in silence, but there was no pressure or unease in it. It was simply a means of letting everyone grow accustomed to the situation without anyone saying something wrong by mistake. And Merlin found he was learning a lot by simply looking at the way everyone was behaving.

Fred was looking at the two of them at irregular intervals, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth whenever Merlin squeezed Arthur's knee or hand to alleviate the nerves the former King of Camelot was trying to shake. He seemed to approve of their relationship, so maybe for him enough time had passed to come to terms with it all.

Myra was doing the same thing, but she was keeping an eye on her husband in a cloaked sort of way. She probably feared they would cross or at least toe the boundaries he'd put up for himself. The amount of glances she stole at Fred became less as they exchanged some pleasantries, though, and Merlin didn't think there was anything to worry about.

By the time dinner was finished, Myra and Fred were sharing some of Arthur's childhood stories. Arthur was embarrassed by a few of them, so Merlin let them in on a few of the things he'd gotten into when he was a child. He cleverly avoided mentioning anything that didn't fit into the modern day life of a child, but still managed to stay close to the truth. And Arthur relaxed as everyone laughed at the story of Merlin getting the house dirty after jumping into numberless mud pools. Myra laughed but good-naturedly offered up her kitchen when Merlin suggested he make waffles in the morning, Arthur claiming she wouldn't regret it.

At about eleven, Arthur started to yawn. It was earlier than his usual bedtime, Merlin was well aware of it and so were the blond man's parents. Merlin saw Fred opening his mouth, but the grey-haired man closed it as he noticed Merlin's worried glance in Arthur's direction.

"If you don't mind, I think it's time we head up. We've both been running ourselves ragged lately and we have some sleep to catch up on," Merlin explained his desire to get to the guestroom, not ceasing his looking at Arthur from the corner of his eye. The blond had definitely not been completely honest about how much the nightmares and dreams were affecting him.

Fred locked eyes with Merlin then, a grin spreading over his face. Merlin wasn't sure what it was about, but he didn't feel threatened at all. Therefore, he patiently waited until Fred spoke. The question he had for Merlin would have caught the warlock of guard had he been anyone else, but as it was he had an answer ready.

"Before you head up, I'd like to know what your intentions toward my son are. It isn't anything I've ever had to ask, and I'm not sure I should now, but I can't be too careful. He's too good a boy to risk letting him get hurt," Fred said, a slight hint of a warning tone beneath the soft words.

Arthur opened his mouth to protest against his father's question or to tell Merlin not to answer. But the warlock raised his hand, effectively silencing the other man. At the same moment, he took Arthur's hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

"Truth be told, they're not entirely pure, sir. But I love him, and being attracted to each other comes with the territory, I'm afraid. I can tell you I don't mean to hurt him, though. I could never do that. He's the other half of me, and I can't live without him anymore. I know it seems too early to say that, but it's the truth," Merlin said.

Myra had tears in her eyes by the time Merlin finished. Fred look utterly taken aback. And Arthur tucked himself into Merlin's side, unable to speak because he was too emotional to think rationally.

A few minutes later, Merlin kissed Arthur goodbye before disappearing into the spare room and slipping into an old shirt of Arthur's. The evening had been as good as he'd hoped it would be.

Now, he could only pray the same would be true for the night.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another nightmare leads to another conversation and more discoveries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Only one more chapter to go after this! Can you imagine that? I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as the previous ones! Please leave me a review to let me know whether you loved or hated it and why. To all those who have been following, reviewing and reading: you guys are the best!
> 
> Disclaimer: Even after all this time, I own nothing.

**  
Chapter twelve  
  
**

_Hey! Don't listen to a word I say.  
Hey! The screams all sound the same.  
Hey! Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.  
  
_

A dark kitchen wasn't the most suitable place to discuss another one of Arthur's recurring nightmares. Nor was the timing ideal. There were only a few hours left of the night; the both of them should use them to rest. Merlin had an early shift in the hospital and Arthur needed to work as well.

But Arthur had woken up panting in their bed, and Merlin had immediately been up as well. He'd succeeded in calming Arthur down a little, but because the other man hadn't been able to fall back sleep they'd ended up coming downstairs for a cup of chamomile tea. Of course there had also been the prospect of talking about whatever it was that had woken Arthur up, which the blond had been keen to do.

And that was why Merlin was blowing on his tea gently while he waited for Arthur to start speaking. There was no point in pushing him, and Merlin wouldn't feel comfortable doing that at any rate. He'd grown a lot less curious over the years, having found that not wanting to know things was a very effective way of getting hurt less frequently. Of course the only exception to that rule was Arthur.

"Do you remember the time I killed the unicorn? Anhora punished me for it, and I was such a dollop head I didn't even realise until it was almost too late. I only know the man's name because you mentioned it in my dream, by the way. Anyway, when I figured it out you refused to let me go to the maze myself. You went with me because you were convinced I might need your help," Arthur said, not looking at Merlin.

Merlin lifted his cup to drink from the still too hit liquid in order to buy himself some time. So that was the memory that was plaguing Arthur tonight. It was odd that he should be so affected by it, as he'd come out of the entire situation unharmed, as had Merlin. Or perhaps, it wasn't at all odd for a reason Merlin hadn't quite seen yet. There were worse memories to be dealing with for sure, despite this not being the easiest out of the entire bunch either.

"I do remember it, quite vividly I might add. I can quite honestly say you never scared me as badly as you did back then despite for the day you actually died. I could have strangled you if I hadn't been so happy you were still alive," Merlin said, his voice sounding harsher than he'd intended.

Arthur hopped up onto the kitchen cabinet he'd been leaning against until then, his legs dangling rhythmically. It reminded Merlin of the way Arthur had dangled his feet whenever he was waiting for Merlin to tend to his horse, sitting on the wooden fencing to watch his servant and later boyfriend.

"I've been dreaming about that day a lot as of late. But there's a few things I don't understand, images that don't quite make sense to me. The emotions are too mixed up to sort through as well. The strongest one seems to be fear, fear for you. And that doesn't make sense because you never drank from the goblet," Arthur said.

It made sense that Arthur was struggling to piece the flashes of what had happened together, it was what any sane person would do. And the emotions he was trying to sort through would have been hard to disentangle for anyone, let alone someone who wasn't even a year into accepting he was a mythical King come back to life. Merlin was proud Arthur was dealing with it all so well.

"What's the image you see right before you get scared? Are we entering the maze? Are you talking to Anhora? Start at the moment the fear sets in and we'll move from there. I'm sure we'll manage to figure it out somehow," Merlin soothed, stepping in between Arthur's legs to be closer to the man.

Arthur spoke without hesitation, which Merlin was glad about. It meant that at least the start of the conversation would be easy. Gradually moving into more difficult territory was always better; it was less frustrating than tumbling over your words from the start.

"We're sitting at that table. Both of us are staring at the goblets, fully aware one of them contains poison and we can each only drink from one goblet. Anhora is standing by, waiting for us to decide which goblet will be your and which one will be mine. His gaze feels… heavy, for lack of better word," Arthur said.

Merlin knew exactly what Arthur meant. The weight of Anhora's gaze had been almost physical, like the white-haired man was doing his best to immobilise them and make them think this through even further. The thought had been disturbing, as it had seemed he had preference as to who should drink the poison and it had nothing to do with wanting to see that Arthur's heart was pure.

"And you're scared for me at that point? Don't you think that might be because you were afraid the poison was in my goblet? You always valued your subjects' lives higher than your own, that just the king you were. And I was your subject and your manservant. It makes sense if you think about it," Merlin said, refraining from pinching the bridge of his nose in something close to despair, albeit barely.

Why hadn't Arthur been able to figure that out on his own? He wasn't stupid, and there was nothing wrong with his ability to think rationally. So why on earth were they discussing this at what was probably the most ungodly hour if the night while they should both be sleeping peacefully for a few more hours? He loved Arthur, but the man could be as infuriating as ever this time around.

"No, it's not that. I've been thinking about it, and I realised that that was how it looked to you back then. But the truth is a little more complicated. I was already in love with you by then. I wasn't just afraid of losing my manservant or even my friend. I was afraid of losing the one who'd stolen my heart," Arthur said, all the while shaking his head to emphasise the negotiation he'd just used.

Merlin gasped, his hand coming up to cover his mouth and his heart stopping in his chest. He and Arthur hadn't gotten together until a year after that. He never known the King loved him already when all of that had happened. If he had, he wouldn't have hesitated to tell Arthur his feelings were returned. Instead, he'd waited twelve more months until Arthur had cornered and kissed him to admit that.

"Why didn't you say anything? I thought I was the only one who felt that way until you showed me otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I loved every day we had together. I just don't understand why you waited. You weren't insecure when you kissed me that first time," Merlin gently pointed out, his hand landing on Arthur's thigh.

"I wanted to, but when I woke up you looked so angry and lost that I figured that even though you were grateful for my not dying, you felt nothing but friendship. It wasn't until I fell ill and you held my hand and wiped my brow every time I threw up that I realised you were in love with me as well," Arthur admitted, blushing a little.

Merlin could easily understand that. He had been very careful to hide the true extent of his feelings for Arthur because Uther would have had his head for it and because Arthur always looked at the women at the court; he hadn't thought he stood a chance. And Arthur hadn't done anything to convince him of the contrary.

"I was angry because Anhora had dared risk the life of someone I loved more than life itself. I looked lost because it took you hours to wake up, and even as you were regaining consciousness the potion Anhora had used was preventing you from breathing properly. We actually thought you might die despite that not having been Anhora's wish. It had absolutely nothing to do with me not being in love with you yet," Merlin said, his voice soft and trembling a little. His entire body was shivering too.

Arthur began to rub his arms, making Merlin feel warmer again. He was grateful for it, as the touch helped to ground him as well. He shifted his hands to Arthur's knees in order to gain some more physical support. His head was spinning a little, making him feel like he was about to fall.

"Gosh, I feel like a total idiot. Or a dollop head or a prat or whatever you used to call me. I was always ready to try to get someone's attention, I never feared being rejected. But every time I was close to telling you how I felt, I told myself everything was different with you. You were my friend and I couldn't lose you. I now realise I wouldn't have lost you even if you weren't interested in me in that way. We were too close already to let that happen," Arthur said, the regret audible in his voice.

Merlin pushed forward, hugging Arthur tightly. This was also a big part of the reason Arthur found it difficult to sleep and the nightmare kept coming back. Arthur was feeling guilty about not being brave enough to admit he was in love with Merlin sooner. Merlin hoped he had the right tools to make him feel less guilty. If not, it might take Arthur months to shake the feeling.

"Arthur, we changed so much in the year between you realising you loved me and the moment our relationship actually began. We both learnt so much in those months, experienced things that changed us. Gaius nearly died, Nimueh started causing trouble, we faced an afanc together… We weren't the same people we'd been when we met or even when we fell in love. If we'd began our relationship any sooner, it probably wouldn't have lasted. Being forced to behave as master and servant whenever anyone was around would have made it difficult to accept we were more than that in private. You having to lie to your father would have caused arguments between us we probably wouldn't have been able to deal with at that time. We were stronger when we finally got together and that's why we worked," Merlin smiled at him.

It was the truth. Merlin had seen even more instances where Arthur's clemency and kindness had shone through, he'd seen the man stand up to his father enough times to realise they were as different as they could have been and he'd finally accepted their love was as pure as the love between a man and a woman, it was just a little different. If he hadn't known and experienced all that, he would have been too scared to accept Arthur's kiss or the fact their relationship could happen if they wanted it to.

Arthur's face lit up at his words and the blond hopped of the counter. Merlin grinned at his antics, propping the man up securely. It wasn't often that Arthur did things like that, as he didn't think Merlin's lanky frame hid enough muscle to let him. However, Merlin enjoyed those moments greatly. They were indications Arthur was beginning to trust his physical and mental strength even more.

It didn't last long, though, because Arthur slid down onto his own two feet after a few seconds. The blond immediately didn't let go of Merlin, however, pressing a kiss to Merlin's lips as soon as they were flush together. Merlin linked his hands behind Arthur's neck to further the contact, even if it wasn't really possible anymore. There was absolutely no space between them anymore already.

"We should back to bed. We'll all have loads of people depending on us tomorrow, we can't afford to make mistakes. It wouldn't go over well if you mixed up the patients medication or I forgot to feed one of the children or something of the likes. Will you let me carry you upstairs?" Arthur question, the hopeful look in his eyes not lost on Merlin.

Arthur loved to do that, he even tried to keep Merlin up late enough so the raven-haired man would fall asleep on the couch and he would have an excuse for it. Not that Arthur needed one; Merlin was happy to let his lover carry him wherever and whenever he wanted to. And he was sure that Arthur would let him do the same in a little while.

"You know I always say yes when you ask me that. You shouldn't bother anymore," Merlin grinned, lifting his hands. The invitation was as clear as his words had been, and Arthur didn't hesitate any longer.

Merlin rested his head on Arthur shoulder as soon as he felt his feet leave the ground. He burrowed in even further when Arthur settled him just right in his arms, pressing his lips to the blond man's jawline as they climbed the stairs like that. Arthur tightened his arms around him when he did that, showing Merlin his appreciation for the gesture.

Merlin magically made the door swing shut when they entered the bedroom, not wanting Arthur to let go of him until there really was no choice. But still he was deposited on the bed all too soon.

Fortunately, Arthur slid in beside him straight away. He plastered himself to the blond immediately, his head ending up on Arthur's chest. He liked listening to the man's heart beat, and Arthur hardly ever slept on his back. In fact, he only did that if Merlin curled up with him like that before they fell asleep. It was adorable beyond belief.

When Arthur's hand came up to card through his hair, Merlin closed his eyes. The days had become slightly less adventurous as of late as Arthur had learnt how to face and deal with the things that brought up memories of Camelot and his friends from those days in broad daylight. But the nights were still rather eventful, which meant they both had to make do with fewer hours of sleep than before. But Merlin wouldn't have Arthur sleep in the guestroom for that reason; he liked having him close too much to do that.

"I really hope the nightmares and dreams will stop soon. There should be a way to deal with all of this at more appropriate hours," Arthur grumbled lightly from behind him. Merlin knew it was because he was angry at himself for having this happen so often, so he didn't even open his eyes as he replied.

"They will stop when it's time for them to. There's nothing for it, it's just the way it is. My magic won't help, I told you that already. None of my books deal with anything like this, you're a one of a kind case. And if I had a way to make this easier on you, then I would do it. You deserve to get reacquainted with your past without the nasty side effects. But that's just the way it is," Merlin gently reminded his, at the same time nuzzling closer to Arthur as he prepared to fall asleep.

Arthur sighed but didn't speak, telling Merlin he was too tired to continue this conversation for much longer as well. Arthur had had even less sleep as of late than Merlin, since the nightmares hadn't always been violent enough to make Arthur wriggle the way he'd done tonight and the dreams never affected Arthur in this way.

"I know. Let's just sleep for now, okay? We can talk some more about this later. Preferably when we're bored out of our minds and don't have anything else to do. Which won't be happening anytime soon, as we've both got crazy schedules this week and my parents want us over this weekend. I don't think we'll have much time to ourselves for the next ten days," Arthur groaned, although Merlin could see the smile the mention of his parents had brought to his face even through his half-closed eyelids before they fluttered completely closed again.

As Merlin had thought, Arthur was the one to fall victim to sleep first. His breathing evened out quickly, and his hand tumbled from Merlin's hair. Merlin was glad for that, because Arthur might have pulled his hair in his sleep else, and that would have been painful. And he wouldn't have had the heart to risk waking the man up to remove the hand himself.

Despite the fatigue he was feeling, it took Merlin a little longer to fall asleep. He kept replaying as many of his own memories as possible in order to find out at which other times Artur had been close to telling him he was in love with him. There were more than a few that seemed likely, but he might be seeing things that hadn't been there because of the conversation they'd just had.

Therefore, he pushed all of his recollections of his time in Camelot to the back of his mind. It wouldn't do to start dreaming himself, Arthur would think it was all his fault. And even if that was partially true, Merlin didn't want that to happen. It would only prove to be yet another obstacle on their path.

Merlin instead focused on the soft, steady beating of Arthur's heart beneath his ear. The rhythm of it was soothing, allowing him to relax completely. His breathing also grew to match Arthur's, their chests rising and falling at the same time.

Merlin didn't really notice that anymore, though. He was slipping into his own fitful sleep too quickly too. The darkness drew him in, and there was not a single bone on his body that thought about fighting it. He would take whatever sleep that came at the moment. There was no telling when he'd get his first uninterrupted night of it again, after all.

But with his head pillowed on Arthur's chest the last thought to pass through his mind before he really did fall asleep was that it didn't matter. Being with Arthur was worth all the trouble and sleepless nights in the world.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is the last chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it and take the time to let me know what you thought about it one last time. As always, a great note of thanks to my loyal reviewers, readers and followers. You are the best!
> 
> Disclaimer: After thirteen chapters I still don't own a thing.

**  
Chapter thirteen  
  
**

_Hey! Don't listen to a word I say  
Hey! The screams all sound the same.  
Hey! Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.  
  
_

The stars were twinkling brightly in the sky, despite the fact more than a few of them were hidden by the light of the full moon. The smell of mint was carried around on the breeze, as well as the smell of a few other herbs. The birds and other animals were fast asleep, though, making it a very silent night as well.

Merlin couldn't believe he was doing this. He was actually lying on a blanket in his back garden with his lover tucked beside him, staring at the stars. It was such a cliché that he hadn't thought people ever really did that. He'd believed it was something that only happened in sappy films or romance novels.

But Arthur had suggested they do this, and Merlin had agreed when he'd been stared at with puppy dog eyes. And of course because he would never say no to doing something with Arthur. Add to that the fact this was something most people never got to do, and you had the complete reason for his being there.

There was one thing that was gnawing at him and that was making him shift uneasily occasionally, though. If he wanted to enjoy the experience completely and keep from ruining it for Arthur, he would have to deal with that first.

"Are you sure your parents weren't upset when you told them we couldn't come? They were so thrilled at the prospect of seeing us again. Don't get me wrong, I love being here with you, I just think it's a little sad for them," Merlin said, turning onto his side to look at his boyfriend.

Arthur was lying on his back, his head pillowed on his arms. His lips were moving soundlessly as he tried to count the stars, much like a child that was surprised to see them for the first time. He looked so at peace with the world like that that Merlin felt slightly guilty for bringing this up.

But Arthur didn't move a muscle upon hearing those words, a clear indication he wasn't fazed by them at all. Merlin was grateful for it, feeling the nerves that had plagued him for a while begin to dissipate. He really should have known that talking to Arthur was as easy as breathing by now.

"They understood when I told them I wanted to surprise you. Mum and dad are two very romantic people. They've been married for almost thirty years and they still go on getaways or dine out every once in a while. I even think they liked my idea better than theirs because of that. Besides, mum will call you or me to reschedule tomorrow. So stop beating yourself up about it," Arthur gently chided him.

Merlin scooted closer to Arthur, lying as close to the blond as he could without actually touching the other man. It was one if the things he enjoyed doing the most, number one on the list obviously being wrapping his arms around his lover. Arthur had told him it was cute, which had made him blush.

"Speaking of that, why is it that you wanted to spend the night out here beneath the stars? You promised you would tell me, but I'm still waiting. And you know how impatient I can get," Merlin teased, very aware Arthur by now knew how relentlessly he had teased Merlin about that the first time they were together.

Arthur now turned on his side as well, catching Merlin's eye. Merlin stayed still, not wanting to push Arthur into talking before the man was ready. He did, however, pay attention to every small move Arthur made: the way the fingers flexed on the hand the blond settled his head on, the way he bent one of his legs to get more comfortable. There was no sign of fear or uncertainty, so Merlin calmed down a little.

"I wanted to have you hear because I wanted to talk about why I came back now. You told me Kilghara had told you I would rise again when my people needed me. But I don't exactly have any people; I'm not a part of the royal family, and even if I was I wouldn't have had the same freedom I did when Camelot still stood strong. There's famine and war in this world, but nothing worse than before. So I wanted to ask you why you think I came back already. I think I know, but I want to hear what you have to say about it before I tell you," Arthur said.

Merlin thought about that. Arthur was right, there had been countless wars before the ones the world was facing now, and Great Britain had been involved in quite a few, both domestic and otherwise. The country wasn't suffering from a plague, the people were well fed. And Kilghara had spoken of Arthur's people, which were those who lived in Albion, the Albion Arthur had united.

"I've thought about it as well, but I haven't been able to come up with a satisfying answer to that question. Part of the reason is that I've seen so many conflicts I thought might be the reason for you to rise and you didn't until now, which makes absolutely no sense. The other part of it is that I don't know what Kilghara meant exactly. He might have meant you would a pillar of support for the people, someone to help them keep their heads up in difficult times. He might also have meant that you would return as someone with a lot of power as well. But you're no politician or king this time," Merlin slowly said.

Truth be told, he'd given up on trying to find the reason for Arthur's return months ago. It had been the only thing beside the man himself he could think of, to such an extent that it had become noticeable at work. He'd had no other choice.

"Yeah, that's sort of what made me think about it. Especially since I want to know. Especially if I have to make some kind of difference to the lives of so many people. I started rereading all of the versions of the legend I could find, trying to see if any of them had written down one or more possible reasons. But I came up empty. At least for the biggest part," Arthur said.

Those last words had Merlin sit straight up. He more than anyone had been obsessed by the legend Arthur had inspired, he had read so many of them he wasn't sure there were any he hadn't read. But to him, there had been nothing in there to indicate when or why Arthur would return exactly.

Merlin was intrigued, so he waited for Arthur to continue without speaking. If the blond had made some kind of connection Merlin hadn't, he would very much like to know. It might lead them to having an answer to one of the most important questions they'd had since they'd been together.

"At first I started dreaming about my own death, something I hadn't experienced before. That's why I spent so few nights here; it wasn't pretty and I didn't want to worry you. But gradually, the dreams changed. I started seeing mountains that hadn't featured in any of my dreams. I began to see faces of people that hadn't been in my dreams before," Arthur started the story.

Merlin could feel the tingle of his magic, which was always bubbling right beneath the surface. It was telling him to pay attention, in a way that was impossible for Merlin to ignore. It had been a very long time since his magic had behaved like this, which served as an anything but small warning for him.

"It became clear to me after a while that I was dreaming of my last few weeks in Avalon. at one point the people said I was not dead but asleep as I waited to be needed again. It seems they were right. I slept for a long time, but I eventually woke up. I met a woman named Freya, the Lady of the Lake. She said she was a friend of yours. She warned me there were limits to your magic and my strength and said that it would take time for you to find me. I took one look at her before saying I needed to go back to the world. She asked me why," Arthur said.

The blond now sat up a well, reaching out to take Merlin's hands in his. Merlin linked their fingers together, squeezing a little harder than was strictly necessary. Avalon was the one place Arthur could have gained knowledge Merlin didn't have; he had never been there and he was certain he would never set foot on the Isle either.

"The look on her face told me she was sure I didn't have an answer, but she quickly learnt she was mistaken. I did know why I needed to go back, and I didn't hesitate to tell her that. I wasn't very polite to her, I have to admit. She annoyed me," Arthur admitted, his cheeks reddening.

Merlin couldn't help but smile at that. He'd known Freya at Camelot, he'd given her the best burial he could after she'd died. He could easily understand why she would have annoyed Arthur; she was quite mysterious and spoke in riddles. She also kept everything about her to herself, which had led to her death in the end. She'd hidden the fact she would transform into a bloodthirsty creature at night, and that had prevented Merlin from helping or protecting her. Thus, the nights had succeeded in injuring her badly enough to cause her to die.

"What did you tell her? And how did she react? Was she willing to let you go immediately or did you have to do or promise something? Okay, way too many questions," Merlin groaned when he realised how many of them he'd spewed. Just like with Arthur, some things about him hadn't changed in over a thousand years.

Arthur didn't seem to care too much, though, so he pushed those feeling to the back of his mind. The blond was probably used to it by now, and there were more important things than being too inquisitive. Besides, Arthur would have told him those things anyway. They mattered too much not to.

"I told Freya I needed to return because of you. I felt like you were at a crossroads, life wasn't being all too kind to you and you missed me more than ever before. I couldn't explain how I knew, but she never asked. She simply looked at me and said that true love sometimes made things happen that else would've been impossible. The last thing I remember is sinking down onto the ground as everything around me grows dark," Arthur finished his story.

Merlin's mouth was dry and he found it difficult to breathe. Arthur couldn't possibly be saying what he thought the blond was saying. Or could he? That would be as far removed from the legend as to be hilarious. On the other hand, there were other things the legend had gotten wrong or hadn't made any mention of, so it might not be as strange as it sounded. And there could be some truth to all of it.

"I lost my best friend right before you were reborn. His name was Jacob Boyd. He reminded me so much of Gwaine that I couldn't help but let him into my heart. He was thirty when he died, totally unexpectedly. He was shot by a man trying to break into his house. Jacob caught the man red-handed. I hadn't lost anyone since the last of our friends died. I didn't know what to do with myself. I started to think it might not be worth it to let anyone in anymore. I can't believe you felt that. And I can believe you came back for me instead of for your people even less than that," Merlin whispered, looking at his knees.

Arthur squeezed Merlin's hands, and Merlin looked up again, obeying Arthur's silent request. The blond man's blue eyes held such love, trust and devotion that Merlin's heart began to thump a little faster. He knew those emotions were mirrored in his own blue eyes, mixed with a small amount of disbelieve because of what he'd just heard.

"I hate that so many bad things happened to you while I was gone. I know I'll never be able to make up for it, but I promise I'll try. Yes, I came back because of you. You were the only one that mattered. I hate to see anyone suffer, but it's even worse when it's you. I feel so protective of you that I sometimes have to remind myself you're not a fragile porcelain doll," Arthur admitted, smiling at his own confession.

Merlin was well aware of that, but he'd never complained about it too much. He'd actually expected things to be like that as soon as he'd realised Arthur hadn't really changed one bit. And he was used to people thinking he was less strong (both physically and mentally) than he actually was, so he'd learnt to deal with it over the years.

"Bad things happen to everyone, Arthur. That's the way it is. We all lose loved ones and we all get lied to during our life. It's just that I've had a lot more lifetimes and that culminates in more bad things happening. But that goes for the good things too, don't forget that. I've seen more births and weddings and people falling in love than others, I've seen the world deal with more wars and conflicts than others. I've even met the love of my life twice. That counts for something too," Merlin said, meaning every word.

"I guess it does. But still, I don't think it's fair you've had to carry the burden of all that knowledge for so long and you didn't have any help in getting me to accept it. I was about ready to walk out of your house because I thought you were crazy when you used that spell on me. Can you imagine me walking out? You'd have disappeared and we'd have never met again. We would never have been together again. You deserved someone to stand by you just like you stood by me," Arthur pointed out.

Merlin just shrugged; it was no use crying over spilt milk. What had happened couldn't be changed, not even with all the powers that he had. He'd hoped someone would turn up who could help him through the most difficult times for sure, but he'd eventually accepted that wouldn't happen.

The silence lingered on. Unlike most of the time when that happened, Merlin's thoughts didn't begin to race. He was remarkably calm, his fears having been put to rest. The only think he thought about, was how grateful he was that they'd managed to come this far. There's been ups and downs, fights and difficult conversations mixed with romance and laughter. They were stronger now than ever before, and Merlin didn't mind the struggles one bit. They were more than worth it.

"You know, that leads to a whole other box of questions. Will I still have to be there for the people when they are in dire need? Will I die and come back yet again or will I live a life like yours? Has my destiny changed because I asked to come back before it was truly my time? I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know. If the answer can even be found," Arthur said.

Again, Arthur had a point. Those questions were very closely related to the reason for Arthur's being here. It was logical that Arthur wanted the answers, but it was a very good thing that he was already convinced they answers would be hard or even impossible to find. After all, Merlin knew from experience that life rarely handed you the answers to the most important questions.

"I'm not sure you can even do that, change your destiny. Kilghara used to say we can't, and that we can't run from them either. It's more likely you are here at the right time, even if it doesn't look like it. Maybe whatever it is the people of Albion need you for is about to happen and that's why you've finally managed to access all of your memories," Merlin suggested.

Arthur cocked his head, obviously thinking about that. Eventually he nodded in agreement, moving towards Merlin. Merlin opened his arms, tucking Arthur beneath his chin. The slight height advantage that he had came in handy at times like these.

"I just hope I'll be able to fulfill my destiny and be of as much help as your Great Dragon seemed to think I would be. Especially since you lived up to the expectations. No, scratch that, you surpassed them. I'd really hate to disappoint you," Arthur teased, breaking the seriousness of the moment.

Merlin rested his chin on Arthur's shoulder, tightening his grip on the man as he laughed out loud. Despite the fact their life would probably never be as easy as another couple's life, they were happy. And that was all that really counted. Whatever hurdles came along, they'd jump them. Together, as it should be.

Gently, he slid from behind Arthur. As soon as he was free, he guided them both down onto the blanket again. He rolled himself on top of Arthur, earning himself an enormous smile. Arthur loved it when he did that, and Merlin knew it well. And if Merlin were honest, he'd have to admit he'd abused that knowledge quite a few times already. Only for the good of them, but still.

"I love you. Always have and always will," he whispered against Arthur's lips before claiming them in a gentle kiss.

He enjoyed the bruising, frenzied kisses they would bestow upon one another sometimes just as much, but he knew they both needed kindness and reassurance. And these kisses would give them that.

"I love you too. And I'll never stop loving you either," Arthur promised as soon as they broke apart.

After that, they both fell silent. Arthur tightened his arms around Merlin, but there really was no reason to. Merlin wasn't planning on moving anywhere until the morning came and they had to start their day.

Because right there was the best place to be, in Arthur's arms, safe from whatever evils lurked in the world. Even if they would undoubtedly find out they were to face one of those evils. But until that moment, he would not think of anything dark. His only thoughts would be about Arthur and their love. Because that was the way it was supposed to be.


End file.
